Shame, the scarlet letter

Have you ever concluded that one mistake said something permanent about who you are? That somehow a mistake, no matter how costly, became a scarlet letter attached to you. Vulnerability researcher Brené Brown (and you can pull up her TedTalks on YouTube) has described shame as an epidemic in our culture. Shame isn’t new, but today's culture gives it fertile ground to spread. Social media, constant comparison, and our desire to appear as though we have it all together often keep us from showing our true cards. And in that silence shame thrives. In Jungian psychology, shame has been described as "the swampland of the soul." Well, that means a lot of people are metaphorically wading through the shame swampland with galoshes.

Shame is a terrible philosopher. It asks us to draw sweeping conclusions about our worth from isolated moments of failure. Stoicism invites us to examine those conclusions before believing them.

Replaying criticisms in our heads

I know this because I spent years wrestling with those thoughts. During my corporate career, criticism often became much larger inside my own head. I wasn't simply evaluating my work; I was evaluating my worth. A difficult meeting or harsh criticism from a leader would replay in my mind for days. Those meetings ended in an hour. The shame sometimes stayed with me for weeks. My inner critic often proved more relentless than any boss I ever had. In the corporate workforce for many years, I saw the potential for shame to thrive. In order to get to the promotion, to show strength at all times, to have the valid argument. And to hear from leaders, “this topic from others can be weaponized against us.” Nothing like girding up at work. This was fertile ground for shame to grow. And shame was potentially reinforced by leaders who said to me repeatedly, “perception is reality.” I would think, “oh great, so I need to change perception.” Stoicism teaches us (which I didn’t know about at the time), not to try to change other people’s perceptions. And I'm only talking about work here. Shame within a family can be even more devastating, and sometimes it gets passed from one generation to the next.

Turning scarlet letter into a purple thread

Stoicism helps replace the scarlet letter of shame with the purple thread of virtue.

Be the purple thread in the garment—the one that gives it luster and beauty. — Epictetus, Discourses 1.2.18 (paraphrased)

Stoicism teaches us to examine and interrupt our impressions before shame can take root. Is this judgment true? For someone struggling as a mother or a father and saying “I'm worthless. I can't believe I did that.” Examine this. Is this really true? Or you make a decision that costs a significant amount of money to the business as a leader. All of a sudden you're asking yourself “I'm horrible as a small business owner. I shouldn't be doing this. I'm so incompetent.” Is that true? It's not, but we give free rein to the inner critic who runs free in our minds to make those types of pronouncements. Did I violate a virtue? Is my character stained by what I did? If you violated a virtue, like cheating on your spouse or stealing, then one has work to do. But if not, then why continue condemning yourself?

In addition, we should never be ashamed to ask for assistance or share what we are going through. That vulnerability is not a weakness; it’s another powerful antidote to shame. Marcus Aurelius mentions this:

Don’t be ashamed to need help. Like a soldier storming a wall, you have a mission to accomplish. And if you’ve been wounded and you need a comrade to pull you up? So what? — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 7.7

Performance and character are not the same thing. We confuse them all the time. The Stoics didn't. The Stoics were never interested in protecting us from failure. They wanted to protect us from drawing false conclusions about ourselves because of a “so-called” failure. And what is failure, but the seeds of learning and growth? We tell that to children, but somehow lose giving that grace to ourselves when we mess up. Stoicism shows failure or mistakes are not a verdict on our worth, but only an open invitation to examine our impressions. To learn, and to begin again. Writer Ralph Waldo Emerson, as he read the Stoics, offered similar advice in a letter to his daughter Ellen in 1854:

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Glenn Citerony is an Executive Wellness Coach who employs Stoic concepts to help improve people’s lives. He is passionate about Stoicism and its relevance to addressing today’s challenges. Glenn can be reached at glennciterony.com.

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