What we should and should not be ashamed of

There are things we should be ashamed of, and there are things we should not.

When we lack confidence in our actions, we often seek reassurance from others. Our need for approval may reveal a hidden shame about what we are doing. But not everything that attracts criticism reflects a defect in our character. When a matter has no bearing on our moral worth, we should follow our own reasoned judgment rather than the opinions of others.

Not all quotations in this article refer explicitly to shame, but the underlying idea is the same. Whenever we fear public opinion, there is often an undercurrent of shame and a desire for approval.

What we should not be ashamed of

Seeking approval from others often reflects a lack of confidence in our actions and an unspoken shame that craves reassurance. Yet our conduct should be guided not by the judgments of others but by our own ethical principles. When we live according to those principles rather than public opinion, we can do what is right without shame, regardless of the circumstances.

We should not be ashamed of our appearance, poverty, social status, clumsiness, obscurity, or any other condition that does not reflect the state of our character. These things may attract praise or blame, but they do not make us better or worse human beings.

You compromise your integrity when you seek outside approval. Be satisfied that you live up to your rational principles. Be your own witness if you need one. You don’t need any more witness than that. — Epictetus , Enchiridion 23

Marcus Aurelius observes that we often value the opinions of others more than our own judgment, even though no one is in a better position to evaluate our character than we are ourselves.

I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others. — Marcus Aurelius , Meditations 12.4

What we should be ashamed of

While we should not be ashamed of actions guided by sound principles, we should be ashamed when criticism exposes a flaw in our character or an error in our reasoning. In these cases, shame serves a valuable purpose. It alerts us to a moral failing and motivates us to correct it.

The Stoics did not regard shame as an emotion to be eliminated entirely. Properly understood, it is evidence that our moral sense is still alive. A person who feels no shame when confronted with dishonesty, irrationality, or vice has lost an important safeguard against moral decline.

The following passage from Epictetus's Discourses explores the role of shame in recognizing and correcting our mistakes.

If a person denies what is obviously true, no argument will change his mind. We cannot reason with him. This is not because he is strong, or because his teacher is weak. When a person contradicts himself and hardens himself like stone, how can anyone reason with him?

This rigidity arises in two ways: either the intellect becomes incapable of seeing the truth, or the sense of shame becomes numb. Such a person neither accepts what is true nor withdraws from the argument. Most of us take great care to avoid physical impairment, but we pay far less attention to the condition of our souls.

When someone fails to see a contradiction in his thinking and cannot follow an argument, we consider him unfortunate. But when someone recognizes the contradiction and still refuses to acknowledge it, when he no longer feels shame at denying what he knows to be true, his condition is even worse.

“Do you recognize you are awake?” “No. No more than when I think in my dreams that I am awake.”

“Is there no difference at all between the two?” “No, none.”

How can you argue with a person like this? What fire, what steel can I apply to make him realize that he has become deadened? When he knows and yet pretends not to, he is worse than a corpse. His sense of shame and moral feelings are gone or brutalized in any case. He is in a worse state than one who does not see the contradiction at all. Should I call this strength of character? Not unless I say the same about the character of lewd people who do and say in public anything that comes to their mind. — Epictetus , Discourses 1.5

For the Stoics, the absence of shame in the face of error is not strength but corruption. True strength lies in the willingness to admit a mistake and submit one's opinions to reason.

Marcus Aurelius expresses the same idea:

Always follow these two rules: first, act only on what your reasoning mind proposes for the common good; second, change your opinion if someone shows you it is wrong, but only because it is right, not because it will make you popular. — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 4.3

The lesson is simple. We should never be ashamed of doing what is right, even when it is unpopular. But we should feel shame when our actions reveal defects in our character or failures in our reasoning. The first kind of shame enslaves us to public opinion. The second helps us become better human beings.

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