Survival requirements can drain energy

As a person living with chronic pain and a galaxy of physical maladies, I come into contact with many people. Doctors, nurses, phlebotomists, pharmacists, MRI technicians, receptionists, and insurance representatives all populate my world. Yet when I was first laid low by sarcoidosis of the central nervous system, I felt lonely. Contact is not the same as connection.

I had many friends who would have been supportive and a loving family that cared deeply for me. Normally I would have reveled in their presence, but I felt alienated from them, unable to connect. My illness made me feel pain, my judgments about my illness caused me to feel isolated.

The enormity of the basic requirements for survival can drain the energy and vigor needed to keep up with a social life. This loss of fellowship is gutting and has a significant impact on physical and mental health. People living with chronic pain are four times more likely to develop depression and anxiety than those who do not.

Two types of lonelinss

Psychologists suggest that there are two main types of loneliness: social and emotional. Social loneliness arises from too few connections, emotional loneliness is when your connections are shallow and not meaningful. I was hit with both barrels. I was unable to see many people, and I felt that the people I did talk to were unable to really understand what I was going through. I was grateful to be alive, but had no idea what this life would look like. I felt like a ghost, haunting my former identity and not ready to commit to the role of a chronic invalid.

Chronic illness creates a cycle in which pain and exhaustion cause cancellations that restrict our social lives and fuels the sense of loneliness. Even if you want to go out and whoop it up, often you simply can’t. Invisible illness causes an invisible isolation. When your symptoms cannot be seen, friends and family may struggle to comprehend the fresh hell of your daily life. Pain and illness are two of the most isolating of all human experiences. Pain lives inside of you, unwitnessed by an uncomprehending world.

Being lonely amidst a crowd

Loneliness isn’t even limited to being alone. You can feel solitary when surrounded by a crowd of seemingly healthy, active people, or in a doctor’s waiting room full of people whose afflictions seem so much more benign than your own. I am a naturally sociable gal, and the loneliness I felt was crushing. As with so many things in my life, I found answers in the Stoics.

The Stoic view of loneliness

The Stoic view of lonelinessdivides painful loneliness from empowering solitude. Epictetus, Seneca, and Marcus Aurelius endured intense isolation due to exile, war, and the demands of leadership, yet they used these as opportunities for growth. They used solitude as a tool to rest, think, and study their own mind.

I find I am never alone when I have a book in my hand; reading is my favorite way to spend my time. In fact, I just read that the Norbertine Nuns, a cloistered community in California, wake up every night at midnight to pray for anyone awake in the dark, lonely hours. That makes me feel crowded with grace.

With sixty million Americans living in chronic pain, support groups within the community are a way to connect and feel less isolated. The US Pain Foundation has ongoing support groups where you can interact with people who know what you’re going through. If you feel alone, you’re in good company.

"What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself." — Seneca (quoting Hecato,) Moral Letters 6

I. You can always cultivate your soul and reap self respect and companionship in the quiet, solitary hours of illness. If your life is haunted by loneliness, invite beauty in. Become willing to experience happiness. They will begin to keep you company.

In the end the question isn’t how to stop being lonely, it’s what to do with the time when you are alone. Reading, thinking, and writing aren’t consolation prizes. They are the blue ribbon, the top spot on the podium.

People look for retreats for themselves, in the country, by the coast, in the hills…There is no place that a person can find a more peaceful and trouble free retreat than his own mind. — Marcus Aurelius Meditations, 4.3.

Karen Duffy is a producer, actress, and former MTV VJ. Her latest book on Stoicism. Wise Up (https://amzn.to/ 3PpLv5D) is published by Seal Press.

---