Everyday insults 

I’ve taken up a philosophy course this year and every three weeks, we spend a whole day with a group of twelve fellow adult students and our teacher. The other day, as I was making a remark about a text we were discussing, a fellow student commented, in front of everyone, that what I said was totally stupid and that I hadn’t understood anything. 

I was so surprised that I didn’t respond, not because I chose so consciously, but rather because I was dumbstruck. I instantly felt my energy draining out of me, the anger rising, the urge to attack in return. It took me a good twenty minutes to actually—and sincerely—think this was good Stoic working material. It’s ok to feel offended, I told myself. But are you going to let this person ruin the rest of your day? 

What is under our control? 

The Stoics said that among the things that are in our control, are our judgments, our actions, and our desires. There are three corresponding disciplines we can practice: 

• Assent (Do I agree with my initial judgements or do I ask myself to what extent they are valid?); 
• Desire (What should I want? Which goals do I decide to pursue? ); and 
• Action (How do I chose to behave ? In my case: how do I chose to respond to that person’s offense?). 

The invitation of modern Stoics Massimo Pigliucci and Greg Lopez came to my mind: Roll with insults! They suggest in their book on Stoic Exercises following Epictetus, who says: If you learn that someone is speaking ill of you, don’t try to defend yourself against the rumors; respond instead with, ‘Yes, and he doesn’t know the half of it, because he could have said more. 

Easier said than done, but that’s the whole point of the exercise. 

I guess defense is a natural mechanism when we feel offended or insulted. And I appreciate Seneca’s distinction between the emotion that naturally comes to us (e.g., feeling disrespected and the anger that follows) and what we do about it - which is a cognitive decision. This is our real area of freedom. 

Working with what is under our control 

What that fellow student said was outside of my control, and so was my initial (internal) reaction. Now my power - and responsibility - lies in choosing how I read the situation and what I decide to do about it. Maybe that person just wanted to say that she disagreed with what I said and it just came out a bit awkward, leading to me receiving that criticism as an insult. Concerning what to do or what to say, after having recovered internally, I didn’t say anything, behaving (trying to) like a rock, which is another of Epictetus’ advice. And when the day was over, I went up to her, and with a (genuine! ) smile, wished her a great end of year. I’ll try Epictetus’ self-deprecating humor next time. 

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Flora Bernard co-founded the Paris-based philosophy agency, Thae, in 2013. Flora now works to help organisations give meaning to what they do.

 

 

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