As Stoics, we are supposed to engage in anything, not just dating, in as virtuous a manner as we can muster. But we are talking about this strange 21st century, so let’s be specific. 

Practical wisdom: Exercise prudence 

Prudence or practical wisdom (phronesis) is the knowledge of what is truly good or evil for you, and that knowledge is deeply rooted in the dichotomy of control: the only truly good things for you are your own good judgments, opinions, values, and goals; the only truly bad things for you are bad judgments, opinions, values, and goals. The rest is indifferent. 

This means that while on a date you should be concerned not with whether you achieve your external goal (say, for the other person to agree to a second date, or whatever, depending on which stage of dating you are at). Rather, your goal should always—and only—be to express good judgments, opinions, and values while on the date. That’s it! Easy, no? (No, not really, as the notion is simple to grasp, but exceedingly difficult to consistently put into practice.) 

Courage and justice: Practice courageous dating 

Courage, for the Stoics, isn’t just of a physical nature, but first and foremost moral. It often includes saying or doing things that make you uncomfortable, if it is the right thing to do. You must have a sense of what the right thing to do is in the first place, which is why I coupled the cardinal virtues of courage and justice in this section. According to the Stoics, you can’t really be courageous in an unjust fashion. (Technically, you can’t practice any of the four virtues in isolation, since the Stoics accepted the doctrine of the unity of virtue, but let’s set that aside for now.) 

For instance, if you know you don’t actually like someone you are on a date with, as a person, and yet you find them attractive, resist the temptation to play around with them in order to get into bed once or twice. That would be using another human being as an object (that’s why the practice is called “objectification”), which is not nice, and you probably wouldn’t want it done to you. (You may think that you do, but trust me, you really don’t. It is never a good feeling to simply be used, under false pretense, by someone else.) 

This means you may have to have the courage to do the right thing, thank your date for having come out with you, but abstain from promising any follow-up if you don’t actually mean it, and even less so if said follow-up would be just to satisfy your sexual desires, and not because you are genuinely interested in the person. 

Temperance: Go nice and easy 

There is an old Frank Sinatra song that goes like this: 

Let’s take it nice and easy 
It’s gonna be so easy for us to fall in love 
Hey, baby, what’s your hurry? 
Relax ‘n’ don’t you worry, we’re gonna fall in love 
We’re on the road to romance 
That’s safe to say 
But let’s make all the stops 
Along the way 
The problem now, of course 
Is to simply hold your horses 
To rush would be a crime 
‘Cause nice and easy does it every time 

Yeah, I know, Frank was most definitely not known for going nice and easy on anything. But the sentiment is right, and besides he didn’t write the lyrics. (Alan Bergman, Marilyn Keith, and Lew Spence did.) 

The idea is to apply the fourth cardinal virtue: temperance, that is, doing things always in the right measure, neither too little, nor too much. My experience is that there is next to zero danger of doing too little in dating situations, but there is a constant temptation to do too much. Too much talking (especially about oneself, see above), too much drinking, or too much physical contact (especially if the other person has not given a clear go ahead signal or consent, and only up to the point where they hit the brake). 

So, take it nice ‘n’ easy, enjoy some virtuous Stoic dating, and good luck finding your soulmate! 

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Massimo Pigliucci is Professor of Philosophy at the City College of New York. This is a condensed version of a longer article which first appeared in howtobeastoic.wordpress.com. Massimo is the author of How to be a Stoic. 

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