What is a ‘Stoic response’ to a loss? 

Three days before the publication of the first issue of THE STOIC, I learned that my mother, who had completed her 99th year and entered her 100th a week earlier, passed away. I had seen her a week before. She was of very sound mind but her body was failing. Yet it is always disconcerting when a loved one dies. 

What would a Stoic do in a situation like this? Is there a ‘Stoic response’ to conditions like these? 

I don’t know. I don’t consider myself as an exemplary practitioner of Stoicism in any case. So all I can record is my own reactions—reactions of an imperfect and wobbly Stoic—if I can be called a Stoic at all. 

First impressions 

The first thought that came to my mind was to stop, drop everything I was doing so I could ‘grieve fully and properly.’ Sure I could announce that the premier issue would be delayed by two weeks. After all, it is a free magazine. I examined this ‘impression’ (as Epictetus would have me do) and realized that my mother’s passing was not ‘up to me’. I have no control over it and it is natural. It is unnatural and absurd for me to wish that my loved ones should live forever. And it is unnatural for me to stop working when it does not help anyone, least of all my mother. 

Then why do we grieve? 

It seems to me that even though we believe that we grieve for others, we, in fact, grieve for ourselves. It is about our loss. I wish she had lived a few more years, so I could have a living mother. She didn’t. In any case, it is not my choice. The Bhagavad Gita has a line, “The wise grieve neither for the dead nor for the living.” The Stoics would agree. 

So, over the next few days with my helpers and friends—in particular Gail, Nancy and Michael—I completed the magazine so I could go to my mother’s home to be with my siblings and complete the last rites. 

Second thoughts 

Looking back at my mother’s reactions to life now, I see that she was a Stoic. No, she had never heard of Stoicism, wouldn’t have known what the word meant. She didn’t have an easy life. And yet, I have never seen her complain about the things or people that were responsible for her life’s conditions. It was what it was. She did not rail about things which were not ‘up to her’. 

Helping others 

Whenever I or any of my siblings had birthdays, she did not send us cards or gifts. Instead, she would feed all patients and their caregivers of a local cancer hospital for the destitute. How wonderful! Yet she never mentioned this to me. I learned it from my brother a couple of years ago. 

I read somewhere that one should do something good for others everyday. But if anyone found out about it, it didn’t count. I am sure that this is not a Stoic principle, but Stoics, as cosmopolitans, would welcome our involvement in the well-being of our fellow human beings. 

Final thoughts 

Feeling sorry for myself or building memorials for the dead to sustain a memory that will fade without it is not my style. Neither is it Stoic. What could be worthwhile is to continue the good work my mother was doing when she was alive. My final thoughts after returning from my mother’s last rites were this: May be I should feed the cancer patients and their caregivers every week for the next year. Maybe as long as I live. Is this Stoic? I don’t know but it feels right. 

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Dr. Chuck Chakrapani Editor-in-Chief

 

 

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