It is not the external things that cause our unhappiness, but the way we think about them, our judgement. We have trained ourselves so well into thinking that the external things are the cause of our problems that we don’t stop to think that they have nothing to do with our problems. The way we think about them is. If we train ourselves to think differently, we will feel differently and we will act differently. 

Imagine the following situation. 

You have just spotted a parking spot and you are about to back into it. As you are about to back in, a car behind you moves into that spot. You believe that the other person knows that you were there before him and yet he moved into that spot anyway. 

How do you feel about that? Now imagine this: 

You have just spotted a parking spot and you are about to back into it. As you are about to back in, a car behind you moves into that spot. You believe that the other person knows that you were there before him and yet he moved into that spot anyway. As the other driver is parking, you notice that the spot was reserved for disabled people and a person with a limp gets out of the other car. 

How do you feel now? 

If you are like most people, you would be angry in the first scenario and probably be a bit embarrassed in the second for trying to steal a disabled spot. But in both scenarios the external events that affect you are identical: 

• You thought you had a parking spot. 
• Someone else took it. 
• You need to find another spot. 

Yet, in one scenario your judgement was that what happened was unfair and in the other scenario your judgment was that what happened was fair. It is your judgment that made you angry or ashamed. Not the external event itself. 

It is so in every case. It doesn’t matter whether the problem is small or big. Suppose two people lose their job. The first person may believe that it is actually a good thing because she always wanted to look for a better job but was too lazy to do it. She sees this as an opportunity because it will force her to look for a better job. Her judgment makes the job loss a positive thing. The second person might believe it is a terrible thing because now he has to look for another job and he would rather not. It is not the job loss but the judgment about job loss that made one person happy and another unhappy. If we analyze any life situation, we will come to realize that it is not the external things but our judgments about them that cause our problems. 

What about things that almost everyone considers terrible – things such as death, poverty, and physical harm? 

• People fear death. Yet a soldier faces death happily. 
• People fear poverty. Yet parents willingly deprive themselves of many things for the welfare of their children. 
• People are afraid of physical harm. Yet a mother jumps in front of an oncoming vehicle to save her child, knowing she could be harmed. 

Clearly, even where things like death or poverty or physical harm is involved, it is our judgment that makes us avoid them or not worry about them. 

If you are pained by anything external, the pain is not due to the external thing. It is due to the way you look at it. 

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 8.47 (Chuck Chakrapani Stoic Meditations Bk 8.47) 

---

This is the second article in the series on HOW TO BE A STOIC WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW HOW, a 10-week training course that is currently being developed by The Stoic Gym.

---