The Two Handles is a very effective technique to use when we are in the grip of our emotions and fail to see that we always have options. When we are carried away by our emotions, the option that we overlook is often the better option. 

The name of the technique 

The Two Handles. 

When to use it 

Use the Two Handles technique whenever you are upset by the actions of other people, especially those you are close to. 

What to use it for 

The main purpose of the Two Handles technique is to give yourself more than one option, so you choose the one that leads to freedom. 

How does it work 

The Two Handles technique is based on the understanding that there are always two ways to handle any situation. One is compatible with freedom, and the other is not. 

Suppose your friend did something to hurt you. The handle, “My friend hurt me” leads to anger and other negative consequences. When we are angry, we are in the clutches of a negative emotion and therefore not free. So this handle cannot be used here. 

The other handle is, “She is my friend and we have shared many past experiences together, we have many things in common, she has done many good things for me in the past, even if she has done now something that I think is wrong.” This is better suited for the current situation. 

When we use the second handle, we don’t feel hindered by our friend’s actions or by our anger. When you are upset with your boss, the handle, “He is a jerk,” or, “He doesn’t appreciate me,” or, “He doesn’t know what he is talking about,” or, ‘He is being unreasonable,” is the incorrect handle. The handle, “I am grateful I have this job. Let me see why my boss is asking me to do this. Let me understand this from her perspective,” is likely to diffuse anger and likely to lead to a more pleasant interaction with your boss. 

In their own words 

Everything has two handles, the one by which it may be carried, the other by which it cannot. If your brother acts unjustly, don’t lay hold on the action by the handle of his injustice for by that it cannot be carried; but by the opposite, that he is your brother, that he was brought up with you; and thus you will lay hold on it, as it is to be carried. 

Epictetus, Enchiridion, 43 

---

Use the Two Handles technique whenever you are upset by the actions of other people or things that happen that are not to your liking.

---