“Separating yourself from negative experiences can prevent feelings of being overwhelmed, it can help you to stay in control and can remind you that how you respond to adverse moments determines the trajectory of your life.”

How to catch a monkey

Often in life we find ourselves caught in a trap. We have taken hold of something that we think we want or have allowed a situation to take over us and we just cannot make ourselves let go.

Some Indigenous peoples of South America, Africa, and Asia have developed an ingeniously uncomplicated way to catch wild monkeys. They will drill a small hole into a gourd or coconut that is just large enough for a monkey to insert their hand. They will place a banana, piece of fruit, rice, or nuts into the gourd or coconut and either weigh it down or attach it to a stake that has been driven into the ground. A monkey will see it and smell the hidden treat, insert their hand into the hole to retrieve it and find that if they hold onto the treat, they cannot withdraw their hand.

The solution is quite simple; just release the treat and the monkey can escape. Like many of us, though, they are unwilling to release what they see their property even if by not doing so, they relinquish their freedom.

Sadly, we often do the same thing. We find ourselves in a toxic relationship or a bad job and cannot make ourselves accept the reality of the situation and leave. We make a poor choice, but rather than own the mistake and move on, we foolishly stay the course. Someone in our lives has injured us and we cannot make ourselves let go of the anger and resentment. We have the power in all these scenarios to effect a positive change, but it can be exceedingly difficult to do. Some of us struggle with them our whole lives.

Inventive ways to suffer

When I was a child someone in my life seemed to take pleasure in tormenting me.

They were very inventive in finding ways to make me suffer mentally and physically. Now that I am an adult, I find myself still struggling to let go of my anger and resentment of this person. As I draft this article, I find that I have lived with the pain for so long that it has become a part of me, and I just can’t seem to let it go. I am in the monkey trap and cannot seem to embrace the simple, yet incredibly difficult, solution. I need to just let it go.

When we find ourselves in similar situations, it appears that we can’t overcome the inertia of these negative experiences. We struggle with challenging the way that our life has progressed and tend to just become resigned to the way that things are. We feel trapped.

How things really work

In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl says, “You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you.” This was how he not only survived but came out of the Nazi concentration camps stronger. In his Enchiridion verse 3, Epictetus challenges us to always ask ourselves, "What is its nature?” about the things and people to which we are attached. He is calling us to have the correct perspective of events and things in our lives.

Many, like me, find themselves holding on to the effects of bad behaviour because we have grown comfortable with the problem. As Einstein is reported to have said, you can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking you used when you created them. If we are to make positive change in our lives, we need to change the way that we see and think about the world.

When I was young, I played a lot of soccer. I remember one of my coaches noticed that my teammates and I were all working against each other; he yelled, “Don’t just do something, stand there.” This was his way of calling our attention to the fact that we needed to stop and see what was happening on the field. Sometimes the best action is to just stop. This can help us to see the true nature of the events in which we are involved.

Avoiding the monkey trap

Today, as every other day, we can avoid the monkey trap. While this can be done all at once, it can also be done a little at a time. Zeno of Citium, as quoted by Diogenes Laertius, said, “Well-being is realized in small steps, but is truly no small thing.” Will we have the courage to recognize that the choices we make in how we respond to situations is under our control, or will we just keep accepting the life that our earlier choices have led us to?

As I have shared, I am in this trap as well. I have grown contented with the anger and resentment from my childhood. While I feel foolish sometimes about my inability to let go so that I can be free, I now recognize the wisdom of taking small steps forward every day.

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Scott Balentine is the Program Director of TheWalledGarden.com, a place for Stoic community, discussions and debates.

 

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