“We could all do with a little more civility, a little more grace and graciousness in our lives. There is no shame in being decent, understanding, and non-strident; in fact, that’s where virtue lies.”

Being gracious

I don’t know about you, but for me the word gracious conjures images of an elegant older woman sitting in her drawing room, sighing, “Good gracious me!” while reading the Sunday newspaper. Gracious doesn’t seem like a very compelling word in the 21st century, especially in the context of human excellence. That’s why I sometimes hesitate to use this old-fashioned word when writing about contemporary virtues, since it tends to evoke outmoded Victorian strictures of politeness.

Nevertheless, I am writing about gracious here because if we have indeed lost it, it’s a virtue we could sure use a lot more of. There is something to be said for a person who puts aside their sense of petty injury and extends a hand of civility to a political opponent or to someone who has just insulted them. This is a quality that seems to have evaporated amidst the nauseating fumes of social media, political polarization, and the anonymity and alienation of modern living.

Musonius’ advice

Yet the great Stoic teacher Musonius Rufus – and later his famous student Epictetus – insists that our very humanness is tied to our ability to be gracious. Here’s how Musonius puts it:

Plotting how to bite back someone who bites and to return evil against the one who first did evil is characteristic of a beast, not a man. A beast is not able to comprehend that many of the wrongs done to people are done out of ignorance and a lack of understanding. A person who gains this comprehension immediately stops doing wrong.

It is characteristic of a civilized and humane temperament not to respond to wrongs as a beast would and not to be implacable towards those who offend, but to provide them with a model of decent behaviour. - Musonius Rufus, Lecture 10.5

People who lash out at others have (in a sense) lost their humanity, Musonius points out, and are instead acting like animals. Humans have the gift of rationality, and we are able to stop and think whether injuring someone (emotionally, psychologically, or physically) is justified and appropriate. We have a choice about whether to give in to howling emotions and strike an opponent physically or metaphorically, or whether to abstain and pursue a different response.

Being gracious doesn’t mean we need to overlook every injury done to us, because sometimes it is appropriate to defend ourselves or take other corrective measures. But far too often we jump into a situation and start swinging. We need to learn how to decide when it’s appropriate to take a stand, and when it’s appropriate to graciously forgive someone or seek reconciliation.

We could all do with a little more civility

We could all do with a little more civility, a little more grace and graciousness in our lives. There is no shame in being decent, understanding, and non-strident; in fact, that’s where virtue lies. In a world where everyone is constantly angry, offended, and spoiling for a fight, be a model of decent behaviour.

A visualization exercise

If you are ever tempted to feel insulted and strike back at someone, recall to your mind the image of a person losing their humanity as they bite back at an enemy. Picture them literally turning into an animal – it's quite effective! The ancient Stoics often compared angry or selfish people to wolves, sheep, or dogs, but feel free to use your animal of choice. Like a scene from Greek or Roman mythology, you can picture that angry person transforming into a rabid dog or howling hyena.

This visualization will not only help you to deal with angry people, but it will also deter you from falling into the same trap. You certainly don’t want to embody the qualities of a wild animal rather than a wise person. Try to focus on the qualities that make you human (your rationality and sociability), and engage your sense of graciousness by being ready to sympathize and forgive.

Remembering where your good lies

Remember, being gracious is not the same as being passive or allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. You can be both strong and gracious at the same time. In fact, it is your inner strength that allows you to be gracious. As Musonius reminds us, a good person does not feel that she has been harmed when someone is rude or insulting toward her; instead, she knows she would harm herself by becoming rude or insulting toward others. By remembering where our good really lies, we can update the meaning of good gracious for our own times and bring graciousness back into the 21st century.

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Brittany Polat, author of Tranquility Parenting: A Guide to Staying Calm, Mindful, and Engaged, holds a Ph.D. in applied linguistics but currently researches and writes about Stoic psychology and philosophy. Brittany's latest project is Living in Agreement, where she applies her lifelong interest in human nature to the discourse and practice of inner excellence.

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