Accepting the good (and bad) that comes your way

There’s a word in Christianity called “blessings”. A blessing is when God gives you something pleasant. The opposite – a curse, perhaps – is when God gives you something unpleasant. Blessings and curses carry a supernatural connotation, but there are very similar Stoic terms: preferred indifferents, and dispreferred indifferents.

Preferred indifferents and dispreferred indifferents T

here are things outside of our control that life gives us. Some of these things we would rather have because they are pleasant. Other things we would rather not have because they are unpleasant. For example, no one would prefer an uncomfortable pair of shoes. If you had the agency, you’d get yourself a comfortable pair of shoes. But sometimes life doesn’t give you that option, so what do you do? You accept it if you can’t change it! This dispreferred indifferent, is still just an indifferent! The Stoic response is to bear it nobly.

Preferred indifferents

That’s amor fati – loving everything that life throws at you; the good, the bad, and the ugly. However, we can further define that term: amor fati is loving exactly the amount of preferred indifferents and dispreferred indifferents that life gives you; no more, no less.

So you go through life, working your hardest at being virtuous and doing the right thing. If you’re lucky, life may give you a wonderful life partner. It may give you some wonderful children. Perhaps you have a job that’s not only meaningful but enjoyable to you. We all have a list of preferred indifferents that, hopefully, we remind ourselves to be grateful for each and every day.

What’s the Stoic response here? Is it to ask for more than what you are given? Is it to ask for another child? A better-looking partner? A higher salary? Of course not! That’s simply being ungrateful.

On the other end, you are also obligated to enjoy and appreciate all the pleasant things life gives you. It’s not a virtue to not accept the wonderful child you have. It’s not a virtue to turn away love from people.

“Why would anyone do such a thing?” you may think, but people do it all the time! Many of us could implement more gratitude into our daily lives for one. In addition, toxic mindsets can give us the perspective that life simply can’t be good for us, and that is unwise, to say the least.

Dispreferred indifferents

You’re also going to have a long list of things that are not-so-pleasant about your life. Perhaps your kid parties too much in high school. You may have chronic pain in your leg inherited from your father. Never forget – there are some very unpleasant things that we have to go through in life.

But what’s the Stoic response? It’s the same, exactly, as with the preferred indifferents. You must accept and even love everything that comes your way, never asking for more or less. If you’re maximizing your agency, it’s not a virtue to wish for fewer unpleasant things.

Equally, it’s not a virtue to ask for more. Why would anyone ask for more unpleasant situations? Many of us do it all the time. Perhaps we have a toxic psychological pattern that keeps putting us into bad relationships. Perhaps we sabotage a friendship because it seems to be going just a bit too well.

Closing remarks

If you can accept exactly what life gives you, both pleasant and unpleasant things, and never ask for more or less of either, but accept and even love all of these – that’s grace in the Stoic sense, as far as I can tell. And it all gets back to the dichotomy of control: spend your life trying to do everything that’s within your power to live a life of virtue. But accept that, ultimately, all of the things that life gives you are not up to you.

Brandon is most well-known for his podcast, The Strong Stoic Podcast, where he discusses philosophical ideas both solo and with guests. He also coaches individuals to help them be their best selves, writes articles, plays music, manages projects, and several other things.

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