Some workers become far too attached to the people under their care. In doing so, they set themselves up for some very hard times in the future when they inevitably pass away. Others take the opposite approach; they embody a disposition that can perhaps be best described as “cold”. Luckily, Stoicism provides a great framework for how to care for others that both maintains one’s emotional stability, while also being genuinely caring.

Stoic detachment

Stoic detachment seems to be misunderstood by many people. What it does not mean is that Stoics do not care about others. This is not only untrue; it’s an anti-truth! Stoics, by definition, care deeply for other members of the cosmos. 
What it also does not mean is that Stoics are not allowed to form relationships. Again, this could be defined as an anti-truth. Here’s one more: it does not mean that Stoics do not grieve when someone in their life dies.

With some of the “do nots” cleared up, what does Stoic detachment mean?

It means that other people are externals (by definition), and so they cannot ultimately grant you eudaimonia. In perhaps simpler terms, it means that you can still live a flourishing life even after losing some or all your friends and family. 
That certainly is not to say that friends and family are unimportant, but rather that, whether they are alive or not, it is within us that we find the peace we seek. Without a doubt, Stoicism encourages community and building relationships, but it must be done with a proper perspective.

The “cold” approach

With Stoic detachment defined, we can now address why one of the typical approaches in care doesn’t seem to line up. Caregivers who adopt an indifferent, cold disposition in their so-called “care” are being stoics, but certainly not Stoics. Lowercase “s” stoics are unemotional. They repress feelings of love and connection in fear of the eventual grief that comes when these relationships end.

That is unquestionably unnatural in human psychology. Human beings are psychologically oriented towards relationship-building, and when we voluntarily steer away from this, we cannot be fulfilled in our lives.

The “over-caring” approach

Caring too little is clearly not a great approach, though it is commonly adopted to protect oneself from future grief. What about caring too much? Over-carers are those who become emotionally attached to every person they take care of. They dive head-first into relationships, often causing them great pain when they must grieve. 

This approach is certainly good for those receiving the care (at least in the short term), but what about those doing the caring? What results is large feelings of connection and dopamine when new relationships are being developed, followed by severe grief when they pass away. It is understandable how this approach can take its toll. 

It is also easy to see how those starting as caregivers with this approach would likely eventually adopt the cold approach to reduce their grieving pain. That is a shame.

The middle ground

Where is the middle ground in care? We’ve defined what it is not: coldly detaching from those in need of care, nor becoming overly attached.

There is a middle ground in care, but it comes with a bitter pill. 

Caregivers should aim to care for and form relationships with their patients, but in full acceptance that their time together is limited, and that the relationship in and of itself does not grant them eudeimonia. They should recognize how natural both love and death are, and that combating either of those truths is not aligned with Stoic philosophy.
The bitter pill that I mentioned earlier is that there are psychological consequences of love: grief. Yes – if care is to be done appropriately, there will inevitably be grief that accompanies each death. That, like love and death, is natural and not to be fought. Instead, it is to be embraced. Grief should be seen for what it is: a consequence of love, which is the most beautiful aspect of relationships and life. 

Closing remarks

What I’ve learned from my mother in her work as a caregiver is that giving proper care is hard.  It encompasses much love, but also much grief. However, caregivers are most often the last relationship that those dying can form. As challenging as it is, it is most certainly an act of true courage that we should all be privileged to experience in our final moments. 

Brandon is most well-known for his podcast, The Strong Stoic Podcast, where he discusses philosophical ideas both solo and with guests. He also coaches individuals to help them be their best selves, writes articles, plays music, manages projects, and several other things.

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