The first time I gave a speech at a conference on Stoicism, the event organizers asked that I create a PowerPoint deck for my presentation. I knew nothing about how to do that, so I called my local library to ask if anyone in town could provide assistance. A helpful librarian informed me that a woman named Vanessa, who lived just down the road from me, could do everything I needed.

While Vanessa was working to put my cockamamie ideas and the oddball photos I found on the internet into an attractive and professional format, she got curious about Stoicism. I told her about Epictetus, who lived with pain and disability, and how I felt deeply connected to him because of my own health challenges. 

I gave Vanessa a copy of the Encheiridion, which she devoured. “I really needed this book, Duff,” she told me. “My older daughter has a lot of issues, and every day is a struggle for her, but it’s also hard for me and my youngest.” The dichotomy of control was a message she really responded to, because the things Vanessa needed to deal with every day were plenty for her, without adding on worries about things outside her control.

The Center For Discovery is a residential program for people living with complex medical frailties. The Center has a farm that grows the food that residents eat, and everyone has a job to do every day, according to their abilities. It’s a fantastic program and I knew several residents who were thriving and had found purpose there.

Vanessa had never heard of it, but she agreed the Center sounded perfect for her daughter. I encouraged her to apply, but I warned her that the waiting list was years long. She said, “Duff, I have nothing to lose by applying, and if I can get my daughter in, it will be amazing for her. I’ll just do what I can, the rest is out of my control.” 

Amazingly, the Center was in the process of adding a new residence that could accommodate people like Vanessa’s daughter. Just nine months after first applying, Vanessa took her to live at the Center. 

Because of the Covid pandemic, Vanessa hadn’t been able to tour the facilities or meet face to face with any of the staff or residents. It took courage for her to commend her daughter to the care of the highly trained and compassionate staff who were nevertheless complete strangers. She wisely recognized that this would be an incredible opportunity for her daughter to thrive and flourish.

Virtuous every day

The Stoic virtues of wisdom, temperance, justice, and courage are not things we only need in moments of extreme drama and danger. Courage is not just fighting a villain and heroically stopping a runaway train from crashing into a burning nunnery. Courage can be cultivated in small acts. By speaking up at a community board meeting, or reaching out to a friend you have had a falling out with and trying to reach common ground. Justice doesn’t mean handcuffing yourself to a nuclear power plant, it can be demonstrated in small acts of kindness, such as volunteering to help kids in foster care reach their dreams. Wisdom helps us make good choices when deciding between a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos or a carrot when it’s snack time. Temperance advises us to take notice of our fears, but not be ruled by them, even when we’re considering a life decision like entrusting a beloved family member to a care facility. 

Using Stoic philosophy in everyday life

Using Stoic philosophy in everyday life will build resilience and prepare you for more extreme challenges – such as when you do have to stop the train from crashing into the burning nunnery, and then you have to run into the nunnery to save the combustible sisters.

Epictetus tells us that it isn’t what happens to you, but how you react that matters. (Enchiridion, 5) Unlike the magistrate who admitted to Epictetus that he fled from the bedside of his sick daughter, Vanessa stayed. (Discourses, 1.11) When an opening at the Center For Discovery became available, Vanessa reacted to the new circumstances by making a new and better choice out of love for her daughter.

When I see Vanessa now, we celebrate the fact that we connected in the first place because of a brilliant disabled philosopher from 22 centuries ago. The actions and beliefs of the formerly enslaved Epictetus reverberated down the millenia and made a huge impact in the everyday lives of Vanessa and both her daughters, and in mine.

Karen Duffy is a producer, actress, and former MTV VJ. Her latest book on Stoicism. Wise Up (https://amzn.to/3PpLv5D) is published by Seal Press.

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