Stoics need friends to thrive

Stoicism is a social philosophy, and Stoics need friends to thrive.

When we ask ourselves what it means to be a good person, we often think of the oft-repeated components of virtue: wise, courageous, balanced, and fair. We may also think of some traditionally positive traits, like being honest, productive, and resilient. But there are other aspects of strong character that often go unlooked in our pursuit for personal development: being a good friend to others, maintaining consistency of character, and even being vulnerable when necessary.

What it means to be human

When you consider the things that helped humanity thrive and grow into the species and society we are today, we can see three common traits extending from our earliest years to today. The first is our capacity to reason and imagine in the abstract; the second, our drive to protect those with whom we identify; and the third, our instinct to work together to achieve things we could not do alone.

Us Stoics love nothing more than to place reason above all else. If we cannot see the world clearly, how can we expect ourselves to live well in it? But part of seeing the world clearly is seeing ourselves clearly. We are prosocial creatures. Being kind, being cooperative, and caring about the wellbeing of both ourselves and others is just as important to our moral development as being clear minded. The Stoics, and those who admired them, knew this well. Friendship, which Cicero defined as agreement between people on what matters in the world, joined with mutual goodwill and affection, is a crucial part of the human experience. He considered it nearly as important as reason.

With the exception of wisdom, I’m inclined to believe that the gods have given nothing better to humanity than friendship. - Cicero, On Friendship

You are the company you keep

Recall what Cicero said about friendship. An agreement on what matters. Friendship is philosophical. Look at who you call your friends. Do they value the same things you do? Are they wrapped up in the trials and tribulations of modernity? The latest trend, the material things they buy, the job or reputation they have?

We owe it to our friends to encourage them to care about the right things. And we owe it to ourselves to care about who we regard as friends. Because not only should we feel confident that we will gladly defend and support them; we should know that surrounding ourselves with people whose values misalign with our own will do one of two things: create conflict, or diminish our character.

Ponder for a long time whether you shall admit a given person to your friendship, but when you have decided to admit him, welcome him with all your heart and soul. Speak as boldly with him as with yourself… Regard him as loyal, and you will make him loyal. -- Seneca, Moral Letters, 3

Help and get help

Our modern tendencies toward individualism and our societal urge to isolate ourselves from others grates against this innate human nature. We are the loneliest we’ve ever been. We work remotely, we quarantine, we hear a barrage of divisive narratives that ostracize us from one another, and our devices deliver to us algorithmic content propagating self-doubt.

The Stoics of old would be quick to tell you that we can overcome these forces with the right mindset and willpower. Certainly, Seneca faced exile – cast away to a barren island and castigated in court – and yet he persevered, returning to Rome a trusted advisor. Surely, Marcus felt isolated – peerless as emperor of Rome with few who could understand the weight of his duty – and yet he led moderately and is remembered among the best of the Roman leaders. But even Seneca wept at his isolation. Even Marcus suffered ailments likely worsened by chronic stress.

We need one another. Just as you would come to the aid of a friend in need, we should be quick to let our friends know when we need their help. If you are struggling with stress, anxiety, or depression – if you have had to contend with hardships – tell your friends. It is not Stoic to ride out the storm alone, for it is not even close to wise to do so. When you are in that state, you cannot think clearly; you will need help from your friends who care about you. You are struggling against the tides of fortune; better to ask for help when you’re getting tired from treading than to lash out in panic and distress when drowning and thrashing in the torrent.

Never forget, a Stoic cares about others. But we also need to care about ourselves. Do not let pride and a false sense that you need to do it all on your own keep you from flourishing and being a good person.

John Kuna is a Stoic prokopton, writer, and dog lover. He likes digging deep into Stoic theory, but also writing accessible and inspiring Stoic content.

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