In Stoicism, one of the most powerful paradoxes is balancing self-sufficiency and friendship. The Stoics teach us to be self-sufficient and to remain emotionally resilient in the face of life's ups and downs. But at the same time, the Stoics did not dismiss the importance of friendship and human connection. In fact, they recognized that friendships can help us grow and become better people. So, how do we walk that line between emotional independence and nurturing meaningful relationships?

Cultivating an inner fortress

At the heart of Stoic philosophy is the idea that true peace comes from within. The Stoics believed that external circumstances are fleeting and beyond our control. Whether it’s wealth, fame, or even relationships – everything external is temporary and can be taken away from us. So, to find real, lasting happiness, Stoicism teaches that we must cultivate an inner fortress. The only thing we can truly control, according to Stoics, is our own mind, our judgments, and how we react to the world around us.

The Stoic Epictetus had a lot to say about this. He famously said:

It is not events that disturb people, but their judgments about them. - Epictetus, Enchiridion, Chapter 5

This means that no matter what happens in the world outside, we are responsible for how we interpret it. This leads to the Stoic idea of emotional independence – our well-being shouldn't be determined by external things, including people. If we allow our happiness to rely on something or someone outside ourselves, we make ourselves vulnerable to suffering. But, and this is crucial, Stoicism doesn’t preach isolation. It’s about emotional strength and resilience in the face of life’s impermanence

Friendships as a means for growth

So, where do friendships fit in? This is where things get interesting because the Stoics did value friendships, but they approached relationships differently than we might expect. For the Stoics, friendships weren’t about emotional dependency or fulfilling our needs. Instead, friendships were a way to help us live according to virtue.

In that sense, Stoic friendship is a means for personal growth. But here’s the catch – while Stoics valued friendship, they also maintained that it’s essential to be emotionally independent. This means that while we should cherish and appreciate our friends, we should not become emotionally reliant on them for our happiness. If a friend leaves or passes away, the Stoic approach would be to grieve appropriately but not let the loss disturb our inner peace.

Balancing independence and connection

Now, let’s bring it all together. The Stoic paradox is how we maintain emotional independence while still fostering meaningful connections with others. The key lies in recognizing the nature of relationships within the Stoic framework. Relationships, like all external things, are not within our control, so they shouldn’t dictate our well-being. However, we still engage in them because they provide opportunities for practicing virtue, growing in wisdom, and living a fuller life.

Think about Marcus Aurelius, who often reflected on the people in his life. He understood that we are social creatures, and relationships are part of the human experience. Yet, Marcus never lost sight of the fact that, ultimately, we are responsible for our own peace of mind. For him, friendship was not about leaning on others for support but about mutually encouraging each other to be better, more virtuous people. So, in the Stoic view, friendship is valuable not because it fills a need, but because it enhances our journey toward virtue.

A key part of this balance is not allowing the actions or opinions of others to disturb us. This means that, while we can and should engage deeply with others, we must not let our emotional state be swayed by their choices, behaviours, or even their presence in our lives.

Practical Stoic wisdom

Here are a few ways to practically bring Stoic balance to friendships in our lives:

1. Value virtue over comfort: Choose friends who help you grow rather than just making you feel comfortable.
2. Be present but not dependent: Enjoy time with friends, but don’t let your happiness hinge on their presence or approval.
3. Cultivate resilience: If a friendship ends or falters, accept it as part of life’s ebb and flow. Mourn, but don’t let it destroy your peace.

Conclusion

The Stoic paradox of balancing self-sufficiency with friendship is not a contradiction but an invitation to deepen our understanding of relationships. Friendships, when rooted in virtue and mutual respect, are a powerful part of life. But they should never become the foundation of our emotional well-being. By embracing self-sufficiency while nurturing meaningful connections, we can live with both emotional resilience and rich, fulfilling relationships.

Brandon is most well-known for his podcast, The Strong Stoic Podcast, where he discusses philosophical ideas both solo and with guests. He also coaches individuals to help them be their best selves, writes articles, plays music, manages projects, and several other things.

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