Stoicism cultivates self-sufficiency but a valued friend can enhance the joy and ease of living life.
My son recently surprised me when he referred to me as a “self-made man.” This comment surprised me and I couldn’t help but express my disbelief. “Self-made?” I questioned. “Are you serious?” I explained to him that throughout my entire life, I have relied on the support of many individuals, including my family, friends, coaches, and teachers, in all my endeavours. I firmly believe that no one can truly lay claim to being self-made.  

To think that we alone are responsible for the positive aspects of our lives, especially when it comes to good fortune, would be an act of arrogance. The ancient Greeks believed that such excessive pride would inevitably result in a downfall. If someone displayed an inflated sense of superiority, particularly regarding their abilities and powers, the Greeks believed this person was challenging fate or the gods. It was only a matter of time before luck would change, much like a boat caught in a storm, ultimately causing an arrogant individual to crash into the metaphorical rocks of life. 

Seneca’s self-sufficiency 

But what about Seneca’s comment on self-sufficiency in his letter to his friend Lucilius? Seneca wrote, 
…the wise man is self-sufficient and for that reason does not stand in need of friendships. - Seneca, Moral Letters, 9.1 

You can still live happily without friends. Everything that you need is within you to live rationally and achieve eudaimonia. You have the virtues that can help you survive any tempest that life throws at you.

Don’t look outward for your lifeboat. It resides within you. 

Seneca truly embodied these words as he experienced them firsthand. In the year 41CE, authorities banished him from Rome and forced him into exile in Corsica. This harsh punishment resulted from Emperor Claudius accusing Seneca of engaging in an illicit affair with the emperor’s niece. To compound the emotional burden, Seneca had tragically lost his infant son just twenty days prior to his banishment. Throughout this trying period, Seneca’s only companion was a loyal friend named Maximus. After enduring a grueling eight years, Seneca could finally return to his beloved Rome.
Seneca would have preferred not to be isolated from a significant portion of his family and friends. It is only natural to desire companionship and the company of others. Seneca explains that just as we would choose to keep our body parts despite losing a hand or an eye, we would also choose to keep a dear friend in our lives.  

Friendships and vulnerability 

A true friend brings out the best in us. Aside from my wife, only a few close friends know me better than anyone else. These relationships are built on deep trust, so there is no need for pretenses or superficiality. During my lowest moments, they have uplifted me with their guidance and support, just as I have done for them. The foundation of these friendships is established through vulnerability. There is nothing remotely “self-sufficient” about these friendships, as my buddies make it easier for me to bear my burdens and help cultivate virtues within me, such as the courage to endure. We also share plenty of laughs, bringing levity to almost every situation!  As Cicero wrote in De Amicitia – or On Friendship –  dedicated to his best friend Titus Pomponus Atticus,

Nature has given us friendship as the handmaid of virtue, not as a partner in guilt: to the end that virtue, being powerless when isolated to reach the highest objects, might succeed in doing so in union and partnership with another. - Cicero, On Friendship, 22 

Do your friends facilitate the very best within you and do you do the same with them? 

Friendships, new and old 

The friendships I have formed in my adult life do not reach the same level of depth as the ones I established during my early years. For my work friends, the relationships were shallow, primarily because they were transactional. Despite attending numerous dinners and lunches with colleagues, the connections did not go beyond surface-level interactions. Power dynamics, office politics, and the transient nature of organizations can explain this. 

Men, in particular, face difficulties in both maintaining and forming friendships because of a lack of time, introversion, and low levels of trust. A January 2024 PBS report suggests that men are currently experiencing a “friendship recession,” with nearly 20 percent of single men admitting to not having any close friends. Over half of all men express dissatisfaction with the size of their friend groups.

Personally, I attempt to attend a monthly men’s group at my church and ensure regular communication with my friends. It is important to remember that it is never too late to make new friends! Seneca stated,

“Now there is great pleasure, not in maintaining old and established friendships, but also in beginning and acquiring new ones.” Letters, 9.6

Regardless of your age or social status, it is essential to prioritize the cultivation and nurturing of friendships. Doing so will contribute to the well-being of your mind, body, and soul. It has for me.

Glenn Citerony is an Executive Wellness Coach who employs Stoic concepts to help improve people’s lives. He is passionate about Stoicism and its relevance to addressing today’s challenges. Glenn can be reached at glennciterony.com.

---