While each of us has the ability to see ourselves as the primary character in our own telling of history’s unfolding story, a great number of people put an unnecessary emphasis on being accepted by others. This longing for acceptance places a great emphasis on the external, often short circuiting one’s tranquility in the process. Individuals, therefore, often try to do things that minimize, and limit, the likelihood of being rejected.

The examples of individuals feeling slighted by those within and outside of their inner circle are too many to capture in writing. However, the feeling of being left out is universal, knowing no geographic, relational, or generational bounds.

Consider the cliché popular group in high school that everyone seems to want to be a part of, but the exclusivity of such a group makes some of those who are rejected feel less than. What about the individuals who begin to have romantic feelings for someone, only to find out that they are in the proverbial “friend zone?” These individuals may feel as if their hearts were ripped from their chest, only to be trampled underfoot.

Athletes who are told they are not good enough for a spot on the team can take the decision personally and give up on the sport altogether. Family members who did not receive a special gift from a relative during a holiday season – although another member was spoiled – can become agitated and sour, resulting in an irreparable relationship. A friend who finds out that those in their friend-group got together without being invited can become depressed over the slight and consider cutting ties completely.

If individuals, like the examples given above, allowed their emotions to dictate their response, it is reasonable to think that relationships would be destroyed, self- esteem would be diminished, enjoyments would lose their lustre, tranquility and inner peace would be non-existent, and life (for some) would not be worth living. Stoicism, and the philosophers who ascribe to it, fortunately, have a way for dealing with such disappointing circumstances that are grounded in sound logic and rational thinking.

Responding to our environment in an emotional manner is antithetical to Stoic principles, where the need of self-reliance through rational thinking is paramount. Epictetus once stated that an individual should

... settle on the type of person you want to be and stick to it, whether alone or in company. - Epictetus, Encheiridion, 33

He also argued that an individual or group of individuals cannot hurt someone else without the cooperation of the offended (Encheiridion, 30).

Although the initial pang of feeling excluded is something that humans must deal with on some level, Stoicism provides individuals with a practice in which they learn how to take a step away from an event and examine why they are upset over the actions (or inactions) of others objectively.

By stepping away from an event and performing a check on their emotions, an individual can see if their emotional response is justified. They can also examine the situation and determine if the perceived problem is inside or outside of their control. Thinking through things rationally may very well minimize the moments of depression, angst, and sorrow individuals experience.  Instead of responding emotionally to the less-than-ideal situations listed above, those who practice Stoicism on a daily basis would be in a better position to handle the disappointments due to their heightened self-reliance.

The individual who is not accepted by the members of the popular group would not have hurt feelings and possibly make other friends. The individual who was romantically rejected could see this individual as a newly acquired friend instead of an enemy.

The player who was cut from the team could learn that there is enjoyment in just playing. The family member who could have been bitter over the gifts of one member to another would realize that no harm was actually done to them, for they did not lose anything at all. The friend who could have felt left out could acknowledge that their friends had an opportunity to get to know each other a bit better.

The adjustment of one’s self-reliance, a key component of Stoicism, would greatly shift how someone views their lived-experience and would promote an increase in inner peace and tranquility. After all,

A good character is the only guarantee of everlasting, carefree happiness. - Seneca, Moral Letters, 27

To live a happy and meaningful life is not putting stock in the acceptance of others, but finding tranquility within oneself by adhering to the strict expectations they have for their character.

Michael Donaldson, PhD is an instructional coach for the Baltimore City Public School System. In addition to practicing Stoicism, he is a proud husband, father, educator, and author of the book “Lessons Learned: And Other Poetic Musings”.

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