“I won't be happy unless I’m married.”

“I won't be happy unless I'm promoted. I deserve that promotion.”

“I won't be happy until we finally live in a house.”

These examples illustrate different lines of thinking that connect happiness with external circumstances. As you read these lines, you may think, “I’ve never thought that.” However, it’s possible that you have expressed similar judgments and opinions differently when you felt frustrated about a situation not turning out the way you wanted or expected. Expectations play a significant role in our overall well-being.

It is risky to tie your well-being to circumstances that are beyond your control. However, this does not mean that you should suppress your ambition or lack goals in life. It is natural to desire a healthy family and a good reputation, for instance, which the Stoics referred to as “preferred indifferents.”

You can liken life to walking through a shopping plaza, much like the agora in ancient Greece, where you come across various items that you wish to possess. Diogenes Laërtius, a biographer of Greek philosophers mentions that Socrates observed the multitude of goods being sold at the marketplace and remarked, “How many things I can do without!” (Vitae Philosophorum, 2.25)

In life, there may be times when we don’t achieve what we desire. So, how should we handle these situations? Some people might think that obtaining a certain status, earning a specific amount of money, or gaining certain conditions in life will make us happy. However, this perspective is flawed. According to Stoicism, the belief is that we already have everything we need within ourselves to achieve our own well-being.

Instead of seeking something external, we should focus on utilizing what we already possess to cultivate eudaimonia.

Emerson and Stoic self-reliance

The Nordic countries consistently rank among the highest on the happiness index, and one reason for this is their strong emphasis on self-reliance. Norwegians, Danes, Swedes, Finns, and Icelanders highly value self-reliance and independence. It is fascinating that American author Ralph Waldo Emerson was influenced by Nordic literature and culture, and he held a deep admiration for their self-reliance. Similarly, Emerson profoundly appreciated the Stoics, who believed in focusing on virtue as the ultimate good and maintaining a state of equanimity in life. In his writing, The Man of Letters, Emerson expressed his admiration of the Stoics due to the philosophy’s focus on the “integrity of the mind.”

“…but a Stoic, formidable, athletic, knowing how to be poor, loving labour, and not flogging his youthful wit with tobacco and wine; treasuring his youth. I wish the youth to be an armed and complete man; no helpless angel to be slapped in the face, but a man dipped in the Styx of human experience, and made invulnerable so, – self-helping.”

Self-reliance is connected to happiness since it encompasses the confidence to confront your fears while acknowledging that you possess the tools to overcome life’s obstacles.

The invisible strings

There is no doubt our emotions can trap us. My wife and I had an argument recently, which is uncommon. I was upset by something she did and said. Reflecting on it now, I realize it was unwise of me to react that way. I should have remembered Marcus Aurelius’ words about being controlled like a puppet, and instead, relied on my higher mind to respond with more grace. Marcus stated,

It's time you recognize that you have something higher and more godlike within you than that which tweaks your emotions and pulls your strings. So, what's controlling your mind at this moment? Fear, suspicion, lust, or is it some other vile thing? - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 12.19

I had a choice to handle the situation with my wife in a better way, but I consciously decided not to do so. What choices are you currently making and how are you approaching situations with rational judgment? As Marcus asked, who or what is “controlling your mind?” That is the true essence of self-reliance – recognizing that you have ultimate control over your mindset, regardless of external circumstances. Initially, anger may arise, for instance, but there comes a point where you decide whether to fuel that anger or pivot towards rationality.

Self-reliance involves recognizing that the qualities of self-control, justice, courage, and wisdom are constantly within our reach, regardless of the situation. However, it is important to note that self-reliance does not entail isolating oneself from others or refusing help. Instead, it is about nurturing the connections we have with others that promote a sense of belonging. It is through our shared humanity that the advantages of self-reliance manifest, benefiting both ourselves and those around us.

When you focus on cultivating Stoic self- reliance, you can, as Seneca expressed in his Letters, “...become your own spectator and strive for your own applause.” (78.21).

Glenn Citerony is an Executive Wellness Coach who employs Stoic concepts to help improve people’s lives. He is passionate about Stoicism and its relevance to addressing today’s challenges. Glenn can be reached at glennciterony.com.

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