[How do we deal with ingratitude? Sometimes we forget to be grateful and at other times we are at the receiving end of ingratitude. What does Stoicism say about ingratitude and how we deal with it? In this first-part of a two part article, Ron Pies, MD presents the story of Izzy and his ungrateful behavior. How would you deal with it? In the next issue Ron will present the Stoic approach to ingratitude. Chuck Chakrapani, Editor.] 

The man who had it all 

To his friends and acquaintances, Izzy was a man who “had it all.” Raised in an Orthodox Jewish household, Izzy, age 52, had long ago abandoned Judaism and become, as he put it, “A full-fledged hedonist.” Married, with two collegeage children, and in good health, Izzy was a very successful hospital administrator. He had managed not only to run several area hospitals very efficiently, but also to accumulate a sizeable “nest egg.” He and his family lived in a beautiful, 8-room, lakeside house, in a comfortable suburb of New York City. Izzy’s wife, Rebecca, was a well-respected college professor, and both children were enrolled in prestigious Ivy-league schools. Izzy managed to radiate a confident optimism that led nearly everyone to assume he was a very happy man—but the truth was entirely different. 

Izzy’s complaint 

As Izzy confided to his old college roommate, Hal, “I feel like I’ve gotten the short end of the stick, for all the work I’ve done. I mean, sure, I have a nice house, a good wife, great kids. But so what? Where is it getting me? I had the brains to go to medical school, but I wound up doing this damn administration crap! People at work are nice enough, but do they ever invite Rebecca and me to dinner, or out to a movie? No—it’s all just business to them! 

“And as for vacation, Hal, forget about it! The last one we took was two years ago, for exactly one week in Bermuda. I have people working under me who spend their whole summer in the Hamptons, or on the Cape! And Rebecca, she’s a good wife, but she’s not exactly what you’d call passionate, you know? I mean, I’m lucky to talk her into sex maybe once a week, at most.” 

Martial arguments 

Although Izzy and Rebecca got along reasonably well, their marriage was marked by frequent arguments. Rebecca was not strictly observant in the Jewish faith, but she did like to keep active in her local synagogue, which offered a variety of social and educational activities. Izzy, however, refused to accom-pany her, arguing that, “Those people just want your time and money. All they care about is showing off.” 

Izzy and Rebecca had inherited several hundred thousand dollars from Izzy’s parents, both of whom had died within the past five years, but Izzy had nothing good to say about his mother or father. “Sure!” he commented to Rebecca, “They left us a lot of money, but while they were alive, what did they do for us? All I ever got from my parents was criticism!” 

Nothing is good enough for Izzy 

As Rebecca confided to a close female friend, “Nothing is ever good enough with Izzy. We go out to a nice restaurant for a good time, and what does he do? He complains to the waiter! The roast beef is too stringy, the potatoes aren’t hot enough, the service is too slow! We go to a movie, and he’s ready to leave half-way through, because he thinks the movie is “stupid.” He says he’s proud of my accomplishments as a professor, but then he complains I’m spending too much time with my re-search. And does he ever have a good word to say about the kids? Here they are, both at Ivy League colleges, and Izzy says they’re ‘wasting his hard earned money.’ Why? Because Joel is majoring in English Literature, and Laura is studying music theory. No matter how good things are, with Izzy, it’s like there’s always something wrong with it. Thank God, the doctor says Izzy is in good health, but he’s always kvetching about how he can’t play rac-quetball the way he used to when he was 30!” 

(Part II of this article will be published in the next issue of THE STOIC) 

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Ron Pies MD psychiatrist and educator, compares the Stoic thought with Buddhism and Judaism (juBuSto), and finds parallels. This article is based on his book Three Petalled Rose. 

 

 

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