Is Stoicism Harsh? 

No, not when judged in relation to the demands of life 

Some say that the philosophy of Stoicism is unusually harsh. A noteworthy passage that people bring up to support this view is Epictetus stating that when you kiss your child at night, remember that the child could be dead in the morning. Epictetus is focusing on the impermanence inherent to any relationship. He states, 

…if whenever you become attached to anything, don’t become attached to it as it were something that cannot be taken away… - Epictetus, Discourses, 3.24.84. 

Marcus Aurelius refers to this passage in Meditations:

When kissing your child,” said Epictetus, “you would do well to whisper these words to yourself, ‘You may be dead tomorrow.’ - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 11.34

People may ask, “So are we not supposed to get attached to our loved ones?”  Epictetus is talking about the premeditation of death. People don’t like to think of death, especially in the western cultures, so thinking of a loved one dying seems overly morbid. They may say, “Yuck. No thank you. This philosophy doesn’t make me feel good.  I don’t like thinking about death.” 

Investigating impermanence

Let’s investigate Epictetus’ point about keeping everything’s impermanence in mind. It helps one value the time they do have with someone. As the saying goes, “nothing lasts forever” and as you consider that nothing is guaranteed in life, you can value the time that you do have with a loved one. If you prepare today for the eventual end of any relationship, whether it’s tomorrow or in 50 years, you will be better equipped emotionally when it happens. You still will be sad, but you will have likely extracted as much love as you can while they were here. 

Rationality is an ingredient of compassion   

After that is over we go out, and if we see a man in grief, we say, "It is all over with him"; if we see a Consul, we say, "Happy man"; if we see an exile, "Poor fellow"; or a poverty-stricken person, "Wretched man, he has nothing with which to get a bite to eat." These, then, are the vicious judgments which we ought to eradicate; this is the subject upon which we ought to concentrate our efforts. - Epictetus, Discourses, 3.3

People may read this and think they should not have sympathy, for instance, for someone living in poverty. Who knows, the person in poverty may not consider themself in bad condition. That’s our judgment. What is important is to realize we are constantly making snap judgments and kicking our emotions into overdrive about others and anything in life.  Instead of having pity, regarding the beggar, we can potentially think of the obligation we may have to help the person. 

What is our duty in this situation, based on the foundation of the four cardinal virtues of wisdom, justice, temperance, and courage? Using rationality is a critical element of Stoicism. Stoics are not heartless but integrate heart and mind; realizing that every decision has a moral dimension. Stoicism also teaches that we are all interconnected. This means that helping someone like a homeless person not only benefits them but also benefits ourselves. 

Life is harsh but there’s an antidote 

What is harsher, the rigours of life or Stoicism? To effectively combat life’s challenges, a philosophy cannot be “mushy” or overly positive. Similar to a physical workout, a philosophy should provide enough rigour to push you and better prepare you for life’s demands. 

Stoicism seemed to be formulated for the harshness of life.  Think back to the world over two millennia ago. Infant mortality was high and life expectancy was low. In Greece’s Hellenistic period, in which Stoicism was started, there were wars among the former generals of Alexander the Great to carve up his empire in Europe, Asia, and North Africa. Slavery was accepted as a cultural norm. All of this had made the world a very unpredictable and scary place, constantly teetering on the edge of disaster. And well-being cannot be secure if it is founded on perishable things – hence the emergence of Stoicism. 

Practicing Stoicism, you are increasing your mental capacity to manage life’s challenges, trauma and suffering. You are equipping yourself to live not in fear, regret, or frustration, but with greater equanimity, or the Greek term, ataraxia. It’s like a fortress near the ocean’s edge buffeted by waves. It’s madness to want the waves to stop and it’s rational to continually strengthen our “inner citadel,” to quote a book title written by Pierre Hadot on Marcus Aurelius. We can maintain the inner citadel by daily contemplation of Stoic concepts. Does this take time and work? Sure. But it’s well worth it my friends. 

Free from passions, the mind is veritable fortress. A man cannot find a more secure place to take refuge and remain unassailable forever. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 8.48

Glenn Citerony is an Executive Wellness Coach who employs Stoic concepts to help improve people’s lives. He is passionate about Stoicism and its relevance to addressing today’s challenges. Glenn can be reached at glennciterony.com.

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