Expressing emotions

In Japan, there is a long tradition of lowercase stoicism. It is considered a virtue to repress emotion, especially “negative” emotions such as sadness. Tears are considered a sign of weakness. In recent years, “crying clubs” have sprung up across the country, where people can go to watch heartstring-tugging videos and open up the waterworks in a supportive environment without fear of being judged for emoting. 

As Stoics, we don’t believe in indulging our emotions like this. Rather, we practice the virtue of moderation and we strive to accept emotions as they come without allowing them to overwhelm us. I understand that for the people of Japan this may be a necessary outlet, but my hope for them is that they can find a way of living where crying clubs aren’t necessary.

We aren’t immune

We aren’t immune from wallowing in emotion in the United States or other countries. It’s a way of turning problems big and small into an identity. The  brilliant and effervescent  author Tom Robbins wrote, “When you're unhappy, you get to pay a lot of attention to yourself. And you get to take yourself oh so very seriously. … Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence.” It’s also selfish; it privileges ourselves over everyone and everything else. 

Navel gazing

People turn to all forms of self-help in an effort to deal with unhappiness in their own lives, or to change and overcome a perceived flaw. I believe that this too often leads to an unhealthy obsession with the self. In Greek myth, Narcissus loved his own perfect beauty so much he stared at his reflection in a pool of water until he died. Gazing without end at our imperfect selves leaves us rooted in one spot, too. This is why I think hairstylists and makeup artists and anyone whose work requires them to look into a mirror all day should get hazard pay.

Socrates famously said, "The unexamined life is not worth living,” (Plato, Apology, 38a5–6) but I feel sure he wasn’t urging us to spend all of our time on introspection. 

There’s a Greek word for this: “omphaloskepsis,” or navel gazing. 

The never-ending search for a balm for a troubled mind

Self-help urges us to focus on and sand down our flaws until we have a perfectly smooth soul. Yet this quest is bound to fail because perfection isn’t attainable. This is why so many people bounce from one self-help program to another, in a never-ending search for the right balm for a troubled mind. It seems to me that this leads to a gray, skim milk existence devoid of much pleasure or nourishment.

It is my sincere wish that everyone live a good and happy life, and I am thrilled for anyone who has found wisdom in any of the myriad self-help books out there. I just believe that a more direct path to fulfillment lies through Stoicism. 

Are Stoics selfish?

There is a misconception that Stoicism and Stoics are selfish. I think there are multiple reasons for this, including a casual misunderstanding of the dichotomy of control, as well as the way Stoicism has been converted by some into “Broicism.”

I believe that Stoicism promotes “self-less help” – finding meaning and purpose by helping others. 

What’s bad for the hive is bad for the bee. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 6.54. 

When there is something to be done to help a friend or family member, your community, your country, or the world – do it. By acting in service to others, you are acting in service to yourself. In directing your energies outward, you are improving yourself inwardly. 

Being in the flow

People are happiest when they are engaged in a purpose. The experience of being fully immersed in what you are doing is called “flow.” It’s notable that this takes place when you are doing something active, not doing something passive. When you engage in selfless help, you’re exercising the Stoic virtue of justice, and you’re working your way to an elevated state of being.

Making a difference, being useful, honourable, and compassionate

Ralph Waldo Emerson, that ecstatic thinker and Stoic fellow traveler, wrote that “The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honourable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” While I agree with him, I also believe that engaging life with this sense of purpose will lead to a happy life. 

Embrace the person you are, and elevate yourself by unselfishly uplifting others.

Karen Duffy is a producer, actress, and former MTV VJ. Her latest book on Stoicism. Wise Up (https:// amzn.to/3PpLv5D) is published by Seal Press.

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