911 and its aftermath

On the morning of September 11th, I heard the first plane fly over my head. I ran to the window and witnessed the murder of 2,996 fellow New Yorkers less than a mile from my home. The one positive memory I carry from that day was how civilians, police, fire, and EMTs ran to help. 

In honour of the heroism and leadership I saw on that terrible day, I trained to be a grief counselor through the Red Cross. I spent five months working at the Family Assistance Center, right up until the day it was closed. It was a mixture of profound sadness, mourning, and a bit of dark humour. I took comfort from Stoicism. As Marcus Aurelius wrote,

No role is so well suited for philosophy as the one you happen to be in right now. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 11.6 

Like thousands of other volunteers, I did the best I could and showed up. 

The people affected weren’t just those who were killed on the day of the attacks and their loved ones. First responders and construction workers who searched for survivors and removed the debris were exposed to toxic dust and smoke. People who lived and worked near the site were inhaling these noxious, sinister vapours. 

Within a few years they began to sicken and die. One of the grievously injured was New York Police Detective James Zadroga, who died in 2004 from exposure to the deadly cloud. He was the first 9/11 responder to die of ground zero-related illness. His name lives on in the James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act.

Detective Zadroga left behind a daughter, Tallie. She was adopted by James’ parents, John and Mary, as Tallie’s mother was also deceased. I happened to sit next to Tallie at an event honouring the 9/11 first responders, and we hit it off immediately.  She was a pop music obsessed 10 year old, a beautiful child, and an absolute charmer.

I stayed in touch with her over the following years. I was grieved when her grandfather died, and again when her grandmother died after a long illness. This young woman had been orphaned twice in her life. When she called me to tell me about Mary, I asked who was planning the funeral service. She said, “I’m on my own.”

Leading at a time of grief

I was being called to lead in her time of grief. Together, we went to the funeral home, the cemetery, and the restaurant where the reception would be held. An old friend in the NYPD arranged for six police officers to be pallbearers; a K9 dog named Zagro, after her father, followed the casket.

After the funeral, I realized that I was called to do more. Tallie is a lovely, vivacious, hardworking young woman, but now she has no consistent adult in her life to share the wisdom of years. I felt the best way to guide her through the next chapters of her life was to show up for her. We agreed that every day at noon I would text her, just so she would know I was available if she needed me. 

Small acts, profound effects 

This simple exchange has reinforced my belief that it is a mistake to do nothing just because we can only do a little. A small act, enlivened by consistency, can make a great impact. Epictetus reminds us to take action by 

First saying to yourself what you would be, and then doing what you have to do.”  - Discourses, 3.23.1. 

I wanted to lead Tallie.

I rely on the Stoic virtues of wisdom and courage to mentor this young woman. My Stoic backbone gave me the confidence to guide and lead in a destabilizing time in her life. 
Seeing Tallie face up to her challenges reminds me of Seneca’s observation, 

Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. - Seneca,Moral Letters, 78

The enormous loss of her parents and her grandparents left her with a set of massive responsibilities. Most kids her age are enjoying their college spring break; she’s in probate court and settling estates. But she is facing these challenges with grace.

The profound act of showing up

As the weeks have passed, I have recognized the profound effect of simply showing up. Stoic leadership can be as massive as Marcus Aurelius commanding Roman legions, or as quiet as taking a moment to check in on those we are called to guide. My heart ignited with Greek fire when Tallie recently told me she was now reading about the Stoics.

Karen Duffy is a producer, actress, and former MTV VJ. Her latest book on Stoicism. Wise Up (https:// amzn.to/3PpLv5D) is published by Seal Press.

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