For reasons I cannot explain, I don’t experience grief in the same way that others seem to, no matter what it is: a loved one’s death, loss of money or possessions, or something else. What I experience is a sense of loss but I don’t keep grieving over my losses. What is gone is gone and it is a new beginning. Maybe it is a Stoic response, but this predates my exposure to Stoicism.

When someone is grieving, I can empathize with them and wish I could really help them overcome their sorrow. Yet I don’t know how except to say something like time will heal (like it usually does). Maybe it helps, maybe it doesn’t.

While I have analyzed and written about Stoic solutions for many human predicaments, I have written little about grief. So, when I got this note from one of our readers,

How do we deal with friends who are grieving? I don't want to appear cold and callous, but some friends completely lose it and want me to come spend huge amounts of time comforting them. These are really friends that are rarely even seen in person. One friend just lost her 93 year old father. He has been on his deathbed for years, so it was not entirely unexpected. She is bawling her eyes out and can't function. She assured me that she has her boyfriend and family with her, but wants me to put my life on hold to go be with her. Another friend had her 23 year old dog killed by a coyote yesterday. I want to offer kindness and compassion, but for me, death is a part of life.

I was suddently reminded that this is one topic that I have not explored in any depth.

But then I realized I have, through this THE STOIC journal, access to some wonderful Stoic writers. So I asked them if they would care to share their Stoic wisdom about dealing with grief—especially as it relates to others.

In this issue, our contributing editors share their thoughts on how to deal with a grieving person. Their thoughts bring Stoic consolations to modern times. Here is a sampler:

• The most Stoic way to console someone is to simply offer: I am here for any living you still want to do. To be present for life after loss. To listen without flinching. To stand with them in quiet dignity until they are ready to move again. (Shirley Kwosek Sciacca)

• We can’t erase others’ grief. We can’t hurry their healing. But we can offer a calm unwavering presence. (Andi Sciacca)

• You don’t need to say the perfect thing. You don’t need the ideal words or a brilliant insight...There is no perfect response. But you should be aware of what to do and what not to do. (Brandon Tumblin)

• By preparing for loss, listening with presence, and practicing temperance, we guide others through sorrow, growing in virtue ourselves. (Glenn Citeroni)

• Grief is the unexpressed love we have for someone who is no longer here to receive it. Grief is inevitable, and that grief will remain with us always, because we always have more love to give. (John Kuna)

• Rather than saying “Let me know if you need anything,” which puts the burden on the grieving, I’ve learned through my training to suggest specific actions: delivering a meal, walking the dog, offering assistance, and support in planning funeral services. (Karen Duffy)

• You can determine whether you want to work away at it, to try to erode it over time, to bring that feeling within the scope of a proportionality of response. Or whether you want to keep feeling it. After all, that is indeed something up to you. (Greg Sadler)

Chuck Chakrapani

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