Consoling the grieving is a delicate balance: avoiding callousness without fueling sorrow or offering clichés like “They’re in a better place.” Stoicism offers a wiser path, guiding us to prepare for loss, listen with presence, and temper our emotions. How can we apply these principles to support others through grief with wisdom and resilience?

Embrace mortality 

To lessen grief’s sting, Stoics urge us to discuss death openly—a practice Western culture often avoids, unlike traditions like Tibetan Buddhism, where mortality is central. Stoics didn’t coin “memento mori” but practiced premeditatio malorum, anticipating loss to soften its blow. Seneca reminds us, “We are all dying daily” (Letters, 49.11), as life’s fragility—evident in losses like my nephew’s stillbirth or a coworker’s teen in a crash—shows death is ever-present. As a Catholic, I carry a skull-adorned rosary, a memento mori, to embrace this truth daily. Try this Stoic exercise: each day, visualize a loved one’s passing, not to dwell in sorrow but to cherish them now. 

You are mistaken if you think that only in an ocean voyage there is a very slight space between life and death. No, the distance between is just as narrow everywhere. - Seneca, Moral Letters, 49.11

When we embrace this concept, we can soften the inevitable blow of death and live more fully today! Beyond preparing for death, Stoics teach deep listening when grief strikes. 

Listen with Stoic presence  

Renowned psychiatrist Carl Jung saw consoling as deep listening, tailored to the mourner’s pain: “The shoe that fits one pinches another” (Modern Man in Search of a Soul). Stoics concur—Marcus Aurelius urged entering “deeply into the mind of each speaker” (Meditations, 6.53). Last fall, when my wife’s friend lost her husband in his early 50s, my wife embodied this, offering empathy without quick fixes, her silent presence a Stoic anchor. Epictetus teaches we control our attention and judgments, not others’ sorrow (Enchiridion, 1). I strive to mirror her example, listening without judgment. A hug or silent ear often suffices. Pause before responding, letting their words guide you. This disciplined presence fosters sympatheia—Stoic interconnectedness—generates connection, healing through shared humanity. Practice this: when consoling, focus solely on their grief, honouring it with Stoic clarity.

Anchor with temperance

Yet, as much as you want to listen more than you speak, the key is not to overindulge the other’s grief. It may not help if you, too, are pulled into their emotional vortex. A reverend I know, conducts regular grief counseling with Stoic-like temperance, stresses that counselors must avoid sharing the mourner’s emotional state. Both risk being trapped, needing rescue. The Stoic cardinal virtue of temperance is needed.

Epictetus advises that when consoling someone, you should acknowledge their pain but not be overwhelmed by it, as your emotions are within your control. In Discourses 3.24, he writes, “Now, someone else's grief is not my own concern, but my own grief is… because that is within my power.’ He adds, ‘As to the grief of another, I'll strive to put an end to it as far as I'm able, but won't strive to do so at all costs.” This reminds us to support a grieving friend without letting their pain overwhelm our own emotional balance.

You can remain loving and empathic, but also show that what we do, the living, is vital for the deceased. In other words, saying, “I know this hurts, but we can honour them by living well.” You are there for your loved one. But ultimately, their emotions are uniquely their own, and most importantly, you have control over yours. 
Grief lingers like a scar, but we should see it as a call to wisdom. By preparing for loss, listening with presence, and practicing temperance, we guide others through sorrow, growing in virtue ourselves. We honour the deceased by living well—with the Stoic virtues. When consoling, ask, “What would a Stoic philosopher do?” to embody Stoic resilience. 

Glenn Citerony is an Executive Wellness Coach who employs Stoic concepts to help improve people’s lives. He is passionate about Stoicism and its relevance to addressing today’s challenges. Glenn can be reached at glennciterony.com.

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