My obituary club

I am a founding member of an obituary club. We celebrate the lives of the great, the good, and the obscure. Our club is not centered around morbidity. It is in the spirit of gratitude for life that my husband and I launched this club. How else could we have learned of an Iranian hermit named Amou Haji, also known as the world’s dirtiest man? He had not bathed since the Kennedy administration. Mr. Haji had gone seven decades without soap and water as he believed it would make him unwell. He lived to the ripe, very ripe old age of 94. He died shortly after taking his first bath since the 1960s. I regret the bath that did him in, but I don’t mourn his loss. I celebrate a life lived as he chose.

Memento mori, a compass to navigate life

Memento mori, remember that you will die, is a compass to navigate life. The Stoic school of philosophy was founded by Zeno after he endured the loss of a shipwreck, and his response to loss teaches us to address our emotions, to domesticate them, rather than have them overtake us. To recognize that obstacles and loss are a part of living, and that we should live in agreement with life’s wins and losses. As Epictetus reminds us, 

I cannot escape death, but I can escape the fear of it. - Epictetus, Discourses, 1.27

My near-death experience

I live with an incurable life-threatening illness (but don’t we all?). My illness causes constant chronic pain, frequent hospitalizations, and multiple side effects. Some are from the medicine I take to treat the lesion in my brain, and some are from being so close to the edge of life. I’ve had last rites administered and came roaring back, or maybe hobbling back. 

When I was first struck down, I was in my prime. I grieved for the healthy life I had to leave behind. Through Stoicism, I learned that I didn’t have to mourn forever. As Seneca said, 

Our [Stoic] wise man feels his troubles, but overcomes them. - Seneca, Moral Letters, 9

The lasting effect of my near-death experience is my profound gratitude for life. As a wise man once said “With gratitude, optimism is sustainable.” In gratitude, I became a patient advocate, grief counselor, and certified pastoral care chaplain. My immeasurable appreciation for life inspired me to help console the suffering and the grieving.

Not everyone grieves the Stoic way

Not everyone deals with grief in a Stoic way. That’s fine by me. We all have our own ways of grieving, and I offer support rooted in my personal philosophy of life.

A young woman I mentor was orphaned at age four, and was adopted by her grandparents. Grandma and Grandpa both died within a year. She is mourning, but she was also the caregiver for her beloved grandparents. Her life is now filled with possibility. My Stoic duty is to show up for her and guide her. Seneca reminds us “Who maintains this is not a heavy blow, but this is a part of being human.” These losses culminate in the heaviest of blows, and I am inspired that she has now turned to the Stoics.

A new way to mourn

One of my closest friends lost her 16 year old daughter Penny, and she taught me a new way to mourn. Kate has started an organization to help treat and cure neurofibromatosis and is celebrating her daughter’s life in a memoir. As Kate honours Penny’s life, she is helping other kids with the same diagnosis. The way I help her grieve is to be a host of the annual event held on her daughter’s birthday and to continue to talk about Penny’s vibrant years of life. As Stoics, we aim to do what is honourable and virtuous, not what is easy.

A little is better than nothing

I believe it is a mistake to do nothing, just because we can only do a little. Bereavement is so consuming, we often don’t know what to do, so we do nothing. I avoid any attempt to explain the unexplainable or offer empty platitudes like “they are in a better place” or “time heals all wounds.” Rather than saying “Let me know if you need anything,” which puts the burden on the grieving, I’ve learned through my training to suggest specific actions: delivering a meal, walking the dog, offering assistance and support in planning funeral services. One of the best ways I’ve learned to express compassion to the grieving is to tell them “I’m here for you.” Or, as the great-souled modern Stoic William Irvine puts it, “I am bound to do good to my fellow-creatures and bear with them.”

Karen Duffy is a producer, actress, and former MTV VJ. Her latest book on Stoicism. Wise Up (https:// amzn.to/3PpLv5D) is published by Seal Press.

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