To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child." - Cicero, Brutus, 34.120

Cicero’s words urge us to learn from history, yet relationships still fray over politics—a division that feels new but isn’t. Human nature hasn’t changed. The Stoics understood this.

I’ve heard from acquaintances and read accounts of families and friends estranged over political disagreements. Society has reached a point where people torpedo relationships over politics. Seriously? Some claim the United States is as divided as during the Civil War. Ironically, even then, some soldiers on opposing sides maintained civility and warmth despite the bloodshed.

History’s lesson: Bonds beyond battle

One of my heroes is Civil War General and former President Ulysses S. Grant (my son is named after him). His story shows bridges can be built across bitter divides. In April 1865, at Appomattox Court House, Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrendered to Grant, effectively ending the Civil War. There, Grant met his old friend, Confederate General James “Pete” Longstreet, a West Point classmate and relative by marriage through Grant’s wife, Julia Dent.

Despite their opposing sides in a brutal conflict, Grant greeted Longstreet warmly, saying, “Pete, let us have another game of brag, to recall the old times,” referencing a card game from their youth. Grant’s lenient surrender terms allowed Longstreet and his men to return home with dignity, preserving their friendship across a political chasm. Can’t we do the same now?

Stoicism offers insight into Grant’s magnanimity. Epictetus teaches that we control only our actions and judgments. Grant focused on what he could control—kindness and respect—rather than the war’s divisions. We can do the same when politics strains ties with loved ones. Stoicism encourages compassion, accepting others’ views as beyond our control, and finding peace in our integrity amid the storm.

So at your next family event when your aunt launches into a political diatribe opposing your views, remember you can’t control her perspective, only your response. Seneca advises,

We should therefore reflect upon all contingencies, and should fortify our minds against the evils which may possibly come. - Seneca, Moral Letters 91.7

Practice “premeditatio malorum”

Practice premeditatio malorum, a Stoic exercise where you visualize potential challenges, like a heated conversation, to prepare your response. Picture yourself listening patiently, taking a deep breath, and asking, “Why do you feel so strongly about this?” instead of arguing. In addition, as Marcus Aurelius suggests, you don’t need to share your opinion—you can listen and try to move on.

Silently reflect: ‘I’ve studied Stoicism to stay calm—am I a pretender, or can I truly apply it? I can only control my response to my aunt.’ This resilience, echoing Marcus Aurelius’ focus on inner peace, aligns with Gandhi’s: ‘No one can hurt me without my permission’ (The Essential Gandhi, 1962).

Choosing connection over the flamethrower

Sustaining relationships requires intent. Some bonds fray because they were already weak. A friend once asked my advice before confronting another friend. I said, “You can lay into him like a flamethrower, but he won’t hear you. Approach with an open mind, seeking reconciliation, or it’ll go nowhere, no matter how right you feel. Do you want to improve the relationship or just argue your case like a litigator?” Like Grant and Longstreet, whose West Point bond endured the Civil War’s carnage, strong relationships can weather conflict with the right approach.

The media’s grip: Guarding your soul

For the past century, companies have vied for our attention. Tim Wu’s book, The Attention Merchants, explains how media— Google, Twitter, Facebook—captures our time and sells it to advertisers. Consuming provocative content shapes our perceptions of the “other side,” inflaming divisions. If you're regularly exposed to the worst behaviour of people with different viewpoints, through online content, you may start to assume that your friends or family who share those views are just as bad—making it more difficult to maintain those relationships. The more you engage with inflammatory content, the more it colours your worldview, like a piece of cloth being dipped in dye.

Marcus Aurelius made this observation nearly two millennia ago:

Your mind is coloured by the thoughts it feeds upon, for the mind is dyed by ideas and imaginings. Saturate your mind, then, with a succession of ideas like these: whenever life is possible, it is possible to live in the right way. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 5.16

When you feel worked up, remember you have little control over external events— only your perspective and attitude. Instead of divisive media, saturate your soul with beauty: such as listening to music, walking in nature, or volunteering. These uplift you and foster hope for our shared humanity.

Glenn Citerony is an Executive Wellness Coach who employs Stoic concepts to help improve people’s lives. He is passionate about Stoicism and its relevance to addressing today’s challenges. Glenn can be reached at glennciterony.com.

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