Missing the gorgeous summer day

When I dropped my son Jack off for his final year of college, I took a walk through campus to get myself a cup of coffee. It was a gorgeous late summer New England day, but the quad was silent. The grassy fields were empty. No frisbee, no hacky sack, no boom boxes blasting music as there were when I was in school. There were a few students sitting on benches, in the shade, looking at their phones. Here they were, at the peak of their physical health, the apex of their beauty, and they had their heads down in the gloaming. Like a congregation of senior citizens, not seniors in college.

Astonishingly, a bear walked through their urban campus, and many missed this practical joke from Mother Nature. They were absorbed in TikTok or Candy Crush as a black bear cub ambled by, seemingly on its way to the library, improbably carrying a pizza box somehow tucked under one of its legs like a backpack. The bear acted more like a frat boy than the frat boys.

Phone is easy. People are hard.

Looking at a phone is easy. The experience of social media or a game on your phone is designed to be a cinch and give your brain an immediate dopamine reward. Interacting with people can be hard and uncomfortable. What if they’re a jerk? What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t like them? I understand why people retreat to the cheap comfort of a “smart” phone, even if I disagree with it. As a Stoic, though, I choose a different path.

Discomfort can bring us to wisdom

People have a misapprehension that Stoicism means enduring discomfort in silence. That isn’t true, but Stoicism does teach us that discomfort can bring us to wisdom. Zeno of Citium, the founder of our school, learned this lesson when his teacher Crates made him carry a pot of soup around in public. When he tried to hide it under his robes, Crates broke the pot and made him wear the soup. I personally wouldn’t be uncomfortable with carrying soup, but Zeno was, and he learned that his discomfort was illusory and unnecessary.

In ancient Greece and Rome there were no iPhones, but there were diversions. Wine, good food, chariot races, music, plays, gladiators. Seneca was no fan of gladiatorial contests, but he was rich and powerful and it’s fair to assume he set a fine table for himself and his guests. Yet he also said,

Set aside a certain number of days, during which you shall be content with the scantiest and cheapest fare, with coarse and rough dress, saying to yourself the while: ‘Is this the condition that I feared?’ - Seneca, Moral Letters, 18.5.

Comfort increases the desire for more comfort

When you choose comfort, you are increasing your desire for more comfort and this makes it challenging to face what causes discomfort. James Clear wrote, “Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you want to become. How are you voting, how are you showing up for yourself? Will you vote for comfort and allow this to dictate your decisions? Or will you stiffen your spine and face uncomfortable situations, knowing that you are not shackled to a soft life of avoiding obstacles?”

The more you can get comfortable with being uncomfortable, the more power you have over choosing the easy, soft, familiar path. This idea is found throughout the ancient Stoics, and we call this practice “voluntary discomfort.” It is a manner of training yourself to sacrifice the ease and comfort of this moment for the backbone, the will, the resilience of the future, and ultimately wisdom.

Looking at fear in the face

Eleanor Roosevelt wisely noted, “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” Sometimes that fear and horror may be nothing more than the discomfort of talking to the person next to you, who may have something valuable to share.

We choose to be students of Stoic wisdom because of its lessons in how to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Transformation means going beyond your fear. As my Stoic North Star, Sharon Lebell, wrote, “The meaning of your life will never be convenient.”

Karen Duffy is a producer, actress, and former MTV VJ. Her latest book on Stoicism. Wise Up (https:// amzn.to/3PpLv5D) is published by Seal Press.

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