When a loved one dies

Someone I love deeply has died. I grieve the loss of her love, leadership, brilliance, and compassion. My health challenges often limit how much I can travel or spend time with friends––but had I known she had so little time left, I would have moved mountains to see her. That chance is now gone.

A mutual friend told me she was private about her illness. “She didn’t want people to feel sorry for her or think of her as a sick person,” they said. That sentiment was entirely in keeping with who she was— dignified, independent, and grounded in philosophy. She would never have wanted pity.

In our many discussions, both inside and outside the classroom, Stoic ideas surfaced often. She lived them quietly. She believed in strength without show, courage without complaint. Illness did not define her, nor could it diminish the warmth and generosity she shared with everyone who had the good fortune to know her.

Still, her reserve left some of us unprepared. Many of her students and friends never had the chance to tell her how much she meant to them. None of us know the day or hour we will be called from this world. When life shortens our time, it is up to each of us to choose how to spend it.

Worrying about other people's opinions

Marcus Aurelius reminds us that worrying about others’ opinions wastes that precious time:

I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 12.4

Other people’s opinions do not change our worth. Their thoughts neither improve nor diminish our value, nor our capacity to love and be loved. My friend knew this truth— she taught it to hundreds of students—yet when her own body betrayed her, she feared being judged.

In every other part of life, she met challenges with curiosity. She listened closely for the difference between fact and opinion. She sought evidence, verified it, and used what she learned to benefit her students and colleagues.

Suffering arises from attachment to what lies beyond our control.

Stoicism teaches that suffering arises from attachment to what lies beyond our control. It offers a framework for peace by redirecting attention to what is ours to govern—our thoughts, judgments, and actions. Attaching our self-worth to others’ opinions gives away our power and multiplies our pain. Letting go of that attachment restores strength and freedom.

This practice takes time. It grows through mindfulness, reflection, and deliberate self- command. Cultivating inner calm while staying true to one’s values makes us less vulnerable to outside judgments. The goal is not detachment, but liberation—freedom from the needless suffering caused by what others think.

Epictetus expressed it clearly:

The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. - Epictetus, Discourses, 2.2.4

As always, she was the teacher, even at the end. The way she lived—with quiet dignity, deep curiosity, and compassion for others—continues to instruct me. Her passing compels me to examine my own life and renew my practice: not to be buried by others’ opinions, nor distracted by their noise.

People's views are coloured by their experiences

The lenses people use to judge are coloured by their experiences, insecurities, and fears. No one can fully know the complexity of another life. What I know is this: the love, admiration, and gratitude I feel for her come from her character, and from the steady grace she brought to every moment.

Marcus Aurelius also wrote:

How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbour says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make it just and holy. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 4.18

Her life—and her passing—remind me that this is the task: to act justly, to live fully, and to let go of the rest.

Shirley Kwosek Sciacca is a writer, living in the midwest, seeking wisdom and resilience through lifelong learning and the practice of Stoic principles.

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