True Stoicism doesn’t ignore what others think—it filters every opinion through virtue and self-knowledge.

I’ve always wanted to do well for those around me—my family, coaches, and colleagues, especially former bosses. It used to tear me up whenever I fell short of their expectations.

But this is a trap. It means I’ve acted as a puppet, as Marcus Aurelius warned:

Understand at last that you have something in you more powerful and divine than what causes the bodily passions and pulls you like a mere puppet. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations. 12.19

Validation from others can be an aphrodisiac

The will to do well has always been intrinsic to me. But validation from others can be an aphrodisiac—it feeds the ego. And the ego, once fed, becomes insatiable: it gobbles up praise and falls apart like a cheap tent at the first hint of criticism.

I was reminded of this while reading an autobiography of The Carpenters. Richard Carpenter—half of the Grammy-winning 1970s duo with his sister Karen—wrote, “Why do we work so hard, Karen? Not for money. For applause.” Decades later he admitted that critics from the 1970s still bothered him. Even wild success couldn’t quiet the echo of public opinion. Once the craving for approval takes root, no amount of applause—or criticism—can silence it.

Now, outside the corporate world, my need for approval has softened. Looking back, how exhausting it was to wonder whether others liked me or approved of my work. That exhaustion is universal—the fragility of a self-image built on others’ judgment.

Filtering perception through virtue

People often say, “If you apply Stoic philosophy, you shouldn’t care what others think.” That’s only partly true. The Stoics didn’t preach indifference—they taught discernment. We shouldn’t ignore feedback; we should examine it objectively.

Know your biases, triggers, and values

Each of us filters the world through our own biases. It’s like looking at a piece of wood: in your hand its texture and shape are clear, but submerge it in water and it appears distorted. Our perceptions work the same way—viewed through emotion or ego, truth bends.

That’s why the Stoics returned to the Delphic maxim: Know thyself. Know your biases, your triggers, your values. That is the “water” through which you see.

Marcus Aurelius also advised looking closely at those whose opinions sway you:

Look at who they really are, the people whose approval you long for, and what their minds are really like. Then you won’t blame the ones who make mistakes they can’t help, and you won’t feel a need for their approval. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 7.62

When you see people clearly—their limits, biases, and struggles—you realize their judgments often say more about them than about you.

Before reacting to someone’s perception of you, pause and ask: Is there truth in what they say?

If any man is able to convince me and show me that I do not think or act right, I will gladly change; for I seek the truth… But he is injured who abides in his error. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 6.21

Take correction when it’s true

Take correction when it’s true. Otherwise, hold your ground. You wouldn’t hand someone your wallet, yet many of us freely hand over our peace of mind. If you want to improve, accept that others might see you as odd or foolish for not chasing status or applause—you’re developing something deeper, more secure.

Everthing is Fleeting

Praise or criticism, and every opinion in between, are fleeting. Perceive any opinion like dust that’s easily blown off; time eventually removes its substance quickly and permanently. What others think—who cares—if you’re doing your best to live virtuously?

I often ask myself: In 100 years, will any of this matter? The criticism from a boss, the “exceeds” rating on a performance review, or a biting comment from a friend? Hardly.

Cicero captured this truth perfectly:

What others may think of you, let them worry about it—for speak they will. And all that talk will be confined to those narrow regions that you see, nor did it ever last long about anyone, but it is buried with the deaths of men and extinguished in the forgetfulness of future ages. - Cicero, On the Republic, 6.25

Cultivating an internal compass that doesn’t deviate with others’ opinions takes constant refinement—through study, reflection, and experience. It’s difficult work, but far easier than being tossed about by every opinion. Peace comes only when we stop outsourcing our self-worth.

Take what someone says, test it. If it’s true, course-correct. If not, forge ahead with integrity. Inner peace is worth more than anyone’s approval or criticism. Guard it.

Glenn Citerony is an Executive Wellness Coach who employs Stoic concepts to help improve people’s lives. He is passionate about Stoicism and its relevance to addressing today’s challenges. Glenn can be reached at glennciterony.com.

---