Our un-Stoic impulses

Like everyone, I get calls every day from scammers and telemarketers. At one point I was so frustrated by it that I answered every call from an unknown number by growling “If you call me again I’ll slit your throat!” I kept this up until I received a very concerned email from a friend. She’d called me from a new number and my intemperate greeting had her concerned that I might be in danger.

I failed to learn my lesson from this episode, and when I started getting repeated calls on the landline from an automated caller, I took to saying “go jump in the lake, robot!” My husband informed me that his mother didn’t appreciate the way I spoke to her. In my defense she does sound somewhat robotic.

My brief death-threat phase was decidedly un-Stoic. I’m not perfect by any means, but I do my best and this was a good reminder of Marcus Aurelius’ words “to fly into a passion is not a sign of manliness, but rather, to be kind and gentle.” Meditations, 11.18. We can surmise that the philosopherking himself succumbed to the temptation of anger sometimes, otherwise he wouldn’t have bothered to write this maxim in his journal.

What happens when we are kind? When we are angry?

Modern neuroscience adds an interesting perspective on this ancient wisdom. When someone receives a kindness, their serotonin levels increase, making them feel better. The serotonin levels of the person doing the kindness also increase. Even people who witness or hear about the act get a serotonin boost.

What happens when you express anger or act cruelly? You guessed it, the serotonin levels of everyone in the blast radius go down. I may have made telemarketers feel bad, which was wrong, but I made myself feel bad too.

I know other people will behave unkindly to me. Perhaps they’re having a bad day, perhaps because they just don’t like me, as unlikely as that seems. This is where my Stoicism really comes into play. I’m Irish by heritage and I’m prone to getting my dander up, but I strive to put no stock in the opinions of others. I can keep my serotonin levels up by reminding myself that I can’t control their behaviour, I can only control how I react to it.

Dealing with criticism

Epictetus said that we should tell ourselves about critical people,

He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these alone. - Epictetus, Enchiridion, 33

This thought always makes me smile. Who said the Stoics were a bunch of sourpusses? As Seneca said, it’s better to laugh at life than lament it.

Overestimating our ability

Another tool I use every day is overestimation. Rather than underestimate my ability to navigate the world, I keep a high opinion of it. I’m bound to fall short at least sometimes, but I have a goal to aim for. It’s like eudaimonia. Will I ever attain a fully flourishing state if I give into annoyance at telemarketers? No, but it’s a reminder to me to do better next time.

I also over-estimate others. Maybe the person on the other end of the unwanted phone call is a scammer, but it’s equally likely they’re doing the job because they need the money to live, and save up to buy a copy of the Enchiridion. Maybe they’re a truly unpleasant person, or maybe they’re just grouchy because they have really bad pins and needles in their legs from sitting in a cubicle for hours. By looking for the best of people in my everyday life, I point myself towards my Stoic goals.

Taking offense, whether at trivial matters or great ones, only centers ourselves and our selfish needs. Mastering yourself helps you serve others better. The great samurai and writer Miyamoto Musashi advised us to “Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world.”

Stoicism is daily practice

Stoicism is a way of understanding the world, but it’s also a daily practice. We live our philosophy, and strive for it to become second nature, even when we succumb to our baser impulses and threaten anonymous callers with bodily harm. Ancient philosophy covers many areas, but it’s most relevant to us today as a guide to an ethical way of life. Did Martin Heidegger have any guidance on whether or not to yell at telemarketers? I think not.

You see? I just did it again. I told you a few paragraphs I was going to do better, but here I am throwing shade at one of the giants of modern philosophy. Time to reread Epictetus!

Karen Duffy is a producer, actress, and former MTV VJ. Her latest book on Stoicism. Wise Up (https:// amzn.to/3PpLv5D) is published by Seal Press.

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