Meditate often on the interconnectedness and mutual interdependence of all things in the universe. 

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 6.38 

It follows that we are not meant to be alone and to act only for our own good. When individuals flourish, the community at large flourishes; and when the community at large flourishes, so too do the individuals flourish. We are meant to build good communities, we are meant to be friends. 

Friendship is our obligation 

Stoics must, therefore, create bonds of friendship in order to fulfill their obligations of benefiting their community. After all, how can we truly be a commu-nity if we are all strangers? How can we work towards the common good if we don't care for each other? We can't. We must be a friend to others, and accept good friendship where we can. 

Avoiding fake friendships 

But we must be cautious about who we take for friends. For while a good friend will lift us up, a false friend will pull us down. We should be wary of friendship with those who have no care of living well. It is human nature to emulate each other and adopt similar habits. When we spend time with friends, their habits will become our habits. They will either help us become a better version of ourselves, or a worse one. 

There’s nothing worse than a wolf befriending sheep. Avoid false friendship at all costs. 

Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 11.15 

Portrait of a true friend 

So how are we to tell a wolf from a friend? 

A good friend is honest. They will tell us when we are right and when we are wrong. They want us to live the best life we can possibly live, which is to say, they want us to live virtuously. They help keep us living a virtuous life, and honestly tell us when we are straying from what is right. 

They treat us firmly, but fairly. They don't enable bad behavior in us by ignoring it, by rationalizing it, or telling us it is acceptable. But neither do they condemn us when we falter. They help us back onto our feet and back onto the right path. 

A good friend lives a good life themselves. We don't expect them to be perfect, as there is no one who is. But we should expect them to be living a good life that benefits both themselves and others. Those are habits that we should want for ourselves, and we would do well to stay in their company. 

A good friend understands the virtue in friendship and loyalty itself, and will remain a friend even when it is inconvenient. 

Portrait of a false friend 

A false friend will take, and take, but not give to the same measure. A good friend gives as much as he takes. 

A false friend can be a friend merely because it benefits them at the time. As Seneca writes. 

These are the so-called “fair-weather” friendships; one who is chosen for the sake of utility will be satisfactory only so long as he is useful…He who begins to be your friend because it pays will also cease because it pays. 

Moral Letters 9.9 

Offer friendship to get it 

Lastly, we cannot expect friendship from others unless we first also offer friendship. It is our duty to be the good friend to others. 

It is our Stoic duty to benefit our communities. It is our Stoic duty to build good friendships. We must seek good friends, and be a good friend to others. 

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Written by Jeff Rout

 

 

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